Straddling the Line
Friday, December 11, 2009 at 7:48AM It’s been just over a week since I lost my job.
I’ve woken up in the morning, helped get the kids ready for school and out the door. I’ve written blog posts. I’ve cranked-up my obsession with working out to a level to where I’m sure I’ll get injured soon.
I’ve been pissed as shit. I’ve been depressed. I’ve spent my time feeling helpless, letting distractions rule me, and occasionally fed-off bursts of incredible support and energy.
Yeah…right now, I feel like a victim and I’m not scared to say that. But it’s been nine days…and now I straddle that line.
On one side I can continue to slip…turn a blind-eye, wake up months from now with still nothing.
On the other, I can move on, flip my chin to what’s left behind, all while leaving small motivational bits and stories in my wake.
The way my son looks at me after everything he does makes me feel like a rock star. The way my daughter snuggles closer to me in the mornings when I crawl into bed with her to wake her makes my heart break. My family is my motivation. But pride, as a man, is my downfall. And my pride’s just been buried six-feet down and a tombstone reading “you were fired” has been slapped down forever marking my time on this orbiting rock.
But I won’t dwell. I won’t be gotten the best of.
I’ll never forget laying in bed with my wife in college, then after we first moved in, then after we had kids….and a million other times where I’ve said…. “I’m gonna make $1 million before I turn 30.” I’m 34 now.
But with time comes lessons, some learned harder than others. Risks – bring on a whole new meaning. Love – we could all write books about love. Family – it’s what defines you, and later, you find the pen in your hand with a wife and children eagerly looking at you to begin writing their chapters. Jobs – they’re the essential component in the glue holding everything together but it DOES NOT make you the person you are.
The loss of my job does not define me. It’s humbled me. It’s made stop dead. It’s made the musical soundtrack of my life adjust yet one more time. It’s made my vision of life, family, love, profession….change…..again.
When I was a kid I told myself I’d never be like my father. When I was 10, I told my brother the same. When I was a teenager, I told my future wife the same tale. When I was in college I wrote endlessly about it. When my first born entered our lives I journaled this continued promise vowing this transformation would never happen.
My current situation has me closer to being my father than I could have ever imagined I’d experience.
So I’m putting the gloves back on. The mouthpiece is back in. And I just glanced over my shoulder to see if my family showed up for their front row seats. And I can see them all lined up, leaning forward, looking at each other for reassurance, but throwing fake confidence my way. And I’m loving it…cause I’m about to cross back the fuck over and move on..far….far away from that dividing line…and fulfill a promise made long ago….to more than provide…but BE someone.
Reader Comments (26)
You are right, our jobs don't define us. Your choice to fight and move forward is what does define you. It's consistently been my experience that everything happens for a reason, and with the closing of one door, another something or other opens, and so far I have never been disappointed. Even when I was shit-canned, disappointed and pissed off, I always went on to bigger and better things.
Stay true to yourself, it never fails. I don't know what you did for a living before December 1st, but I suspect writing could play a definitive role in your future.
Hold the faith brother. Keep on keeping on. Keep processing, dealing with it all and and continue to leverage strength from your many supporters. We're all here - reading. :)
it's so hard sometimes to keep your chin up...esp when you keep getting a fucking uppercut that knocks you on your ass. take note when you're swing wildly...you just might be the one laying your ass out yanno?! :) and it will happen & when that happens...LAUGH it off...
take some time to reflect on what you want to do from here. sometimes it's not always about being where we want to be in life...sometimes we gotta focus on the journey to get there. maybe now is the time to take the road you always wanted to travel?
just thoughts.
hang in there daddio. you're doing fine.
Sometimes you need a push to do something you might not do otherwise. And you'll probably look back some time from now and realise that you're really glad it happened, because what came next was fantastic.
My hubby was made redundant while on paternity leave with our 1 week old second daughter. NOT the best timing. But actually, it didn't just come right in the end, it came BETTER.
I am sure it will be for you too.
You are someone.
You are soooooo not your dad. You got only the few good parts of him and you have used them in a far more productive way than he has or will ever use them. You have always busted your butt to get what you want and sooner or later you get it so it's only been a week and you have many doors, windows and emotions to explore. You have found many good outlets for your anger (just don't kill yourself) and you will end up the best of the best. You already are in the important people's eyes.
Holy hell...that was an inspiring post. What you are (were) going through is shitty but your outlook is amazing...and Pink Ducky...funny as all get out!