So, in a recent rambling post earlier this week I referred to the fact that I have a poop problem.
It’s true. I absolutely HATE to poop in public.
I will literally do anything to avoid dropping the kids off at the pool in a public venue.
I don’t think it has anything to do with OCD tendencies, but has everything to do with the fact that I want no proof that I actually do poop.
Which is ironic given that I’m writing this post.
And, that if you ask me to strip nude and run across a football field, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second.
Dare me to shit in a Wal-Mart bathroom and I’ll quickly opt to slam my head in a door for hours at a time.
True story:
I was the editor of a weekly newspaper, 24 years old, and shooting a triathlon at the YMCA one Saturday morning.
The race was winding down when all of a sudden I got that grumble. Yeah…THAT grumble.
The one where your internal bits-n-pieces flick you in the forehead and say “t-minus 10 minutes ya douche. Find a bathroom pronto or you’ll pay!”
I look over at the beautiful 2-year-old YMCA building and consider walking in to enjoy the elegant lavatory facilities, but pass.
In my psychotic mind I’m all “No….I gotta make it back to the empty newspaper headquarters to unleash the fury.”
Only, I needed to drop off the roll of film I just shot (yes, this was pre digital cameras) and then drive another 15 minutes to the offices.
Jump to 10 minutes later…the film has been dropped off, I’m 6 miles and 18 traffic lights from the office, pounding the steering wheel with closed fists while screaming “I can’t fucking hold it in!!!!” and in my mind seriously considering just letting it go.
I didn’t…..
I held it…..
And
I made it.
And when I sat down…let’s just say I made Niagara Falls look like a rookie.
I’ll save you further details but reveal that six hours later I had visited the doctor’s office and was standing at the pharmacy to pick up suppositories to help with the tiny rip I had from the massive exodus of poo that fire-hosed out of my “exit tunnel.”
In short, my balloon knot had been slightly damaged.
And there you have it…
I don’t like to poop in public. There are so so so many more stories…but for now, I leave you traumatized with that one.
Sweet dreams!
