Steve Irwin Took Over My Body

So every day I commute into the city on the train. It’s about a 20 min. ride with about 6 stops along the way. But shhhh…don’t tell wifey, she thinks it’s an hour train ride with 18 stops along the way and that I have to walk up-hill both ways to get to and from the iron beast.

I love the train...I get to listen to music, read, catch-up on work, go through emails, and stare randomly at strangers…a hobby of mine I’ve perfected.

Yesterday I hopped on a late train and was beat. Just before it takes off, I got in the simultaneous double-wammy of shit situations. I’m 6’3” so I take up some room in the seat. Along comes Mr. 6’1” overweight dude who feels like squeezing in next to me. At the exact same time comes this mousey-looking lady who slides in right in front of me with her just purchased, fresh out of the oven, roast beef sandwich loaded the fuck down with onions.

Once my urge snap her neck, bust out a window and throw Big Boy on to the tracks subsided, I kicked into observation mode. The mousey lady plowed through a sandwich like I’ve never seen anyone do. Meanwhile, with her other hand, she’s doing shit in Excel on her laptop that makes The Matrix look like ColecoVision. All of a sudden I see her snap her head to the right and look at a dude across the isle.

I quickly pause my iPod to get the low-down on what’s getting her panties all in a wad and I hear it ….a loud pop… Her head immediately snaps back at him with another “die you son-of-a-bitch chewing gum popper” look. This onion-eating, whole sandwich swallower, Excel goddess hates gum-poppers. I thought that was the oddest fucking thing. And this dude couldn’t give two shits. He had his headphones on and was playing some game on his cell phone and suckin’ on a tallboy Bud Light.

I felt like the Crocodile Hunter reborn. I wanted to take my umbrella like a mic. and have Big Boy take the camera as I crouch behind the seat in the isle and start filming me as I said (*in an awfully shitty Australian accent):

Krikey!! We have an incredible stage being set for what will play out as blood-bath of amazing proportions. Mother Nature’s fury will be unleashed on this suburban commuter train. Just over this seat I’m crouched behind is a healthy Type-A, male-hating, accountant known as Psycho Scary Midget Bitch. Her natural predator is just on the other side of this seat…a scumbag shoe salesman who purposefully leaves his zipper down on sales calls, is known on Twitter as @sexyramone, and has masturbated twice a day since he was 12—the Annoying Sloth Bastard. His mating call is the popping of gum, which agitates the Psycho Scary Midget Bitch. In a mere seconds…he’s going to give what will sure to be his last mating call as the Psycho Scary Midget Bitch is going to spring from her habitat, slice him from groin to chin before he……..

Just then my train stopped and I had to get off. I was dying to know how it ended….just as much as I was dying to escape the horror of onions, gum popping, sneezing, Big Boy, cell phone screamers, and a shit-ton of other nightmares loading that train down. But I can tell you one thing.... she sure as shit knew Excel.