Our Neighbors Think We're Heathens

My neighbors think we’re horrific parents.

I’m convinced of this is fact.

It’s spring, everyone’s outside, windows are open, wind’s blowing in the right direction…life couldn’t be better. We live in a very urban area – I can almost touch my house and my neighbor’s house at the same time.

So, I’m outside drinking wine and watching the kids live-out their childhood. Occasionally I’ll wave to a neighbor with that calm, collective, “what’s up man! Life’s good…just relaxing with the family” kinda wave.

Usually that’s the kid’s cue to go absolutely ballistic.

Immediately the boy yells “I said no Macy now STOOOOOP!!!!” Then rides away on his bicycle towards the corner of the street inches from going into traffic.

As I’m running down the sidewalk carrying wine, yelling “HONEY…GRAB MACY…SHE’S BLEEDING” I happen to notice half the neighborhood stopping mid-discussion and turning towards our rabid family.

“WHAT?!” my wife screeches from inside the house.

“GRAB MACY…GRAYSON MADE HER BLEED AND NOW HE’S RIDING HIS BIKE INTO TRAFFIC!!”

This is where I bring the scene to a screeching halt and reveal that we are actually the “older” family on the block. My kids are almost 6 and 8. The average age of the rest of the block’s children… 1.7 years old. So they’re standing there in horror as they watch elements of parenthood unfold that they have yet to experience.

As they gather their children and herd them away from the scene with disappointing looks on their faces I can almost hear them mumbling “we’ll never be like that will we George?”

“Never Marcia. We’ll never parent like those heathens!”

The neighborhood air is consistently filled with the loving ramblings of our family-of-four as sentiments such as these come flying out our house windows regularly:

 “I said GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!! How many times do I have to ask you?”

“I AAAMMMM finishing in the shower…geeeeze!!”

“OOOOWWWW daddy!!! Your pulling my hair, let me comb it!!!”

“Mooooommmyyyyyyy Macy won’t stop snoring!!”

“NO! You cannot have a chocolate bar while you go to sleep!! That’s just insane! Now go to bed!!”

“But honey!!! I thought tonight was really going to be ‘the’ night!?”

I think back to before we had kids and I remember the many times in the grocery seeing the mother say to the little boy, “stop touching things on the shelf. Do you hear me?! One more time Mr. and you’re in BIG trouble.”

And I always thought…I’d never, NEVER talk to MY kids like that. Guess it goes to show the number one rule as a parent is never say “I’ll never.”

Now if I can get my wife to stop talking to me like that in the grocery…

WARNING: You Are Experiencing Children

Most mornings I watch the Today Show in the a.m. Not sure why, but I do.

The other day I’m metro-sexually ironing my clothes, watching the Today Show while thinking to myself, “damn they have a ton of drug commercials on here.”

Naturally…this led me to wonder, “wouldn’t it have been great if my little bastards were born with a warning label like those seen on drug commercials?

All parents would have to agree– hell yes it would. Here’s how my kids’ labels would have read…

(Background image – perfect family, wearing J. Crew clothes, beautiful kids running around an immaculate yard, very clean dog leaping around playfully with the children who are getting along gleefully as the parents enjoy wine in peace, while wearing stylish clothes, and sporting huge smiles because they know they’ll have intense, uninterrupted sex later that night)

Meanwhile, the following is being read by some out-of-work, douchebag ex-dj announcer guy:

“Children are not for everyone. Children may cause you to want to harm mass groups of people for no apparent reason. While pregnant with children you may notice a very drastic impact to your sexual relationship causing you to spend more time than normal naked, in a corner, crying and rocking back-and-forth.

While “making” children you will enjoy yourself. This will be the last “enjoyment” of your life.

If living with children you experience excessive drinking, yelling, kicking of inanimate objects, mumbling to one’s self, hatred of Caillou, hallucinations of Barney taking shots with Big Bird, or the increased love of silence, please consult a doctor.

Those experiencing children should stay away from those without children as it will help increase their unrealistic belief children are great.

Children may cause you to lose excessive amounts of sleep, eat while standing, repeat yourself excessively, and create intricate lies as to why you “must go to the store alone, RIGHT NOW!”

Children are evil.

You will eventually label your children as “cock-blocks.”

While living with children you may puke, experience diarrhea, always have a runny nose, buy stock in hand sanitizer, contemplate muzzles, experiment with shock-collars, and find yourself repetitively walking into walls.

If you find boogers, dried food, spilt milk, un-flushed toilets, skid-marks on underwear, and sheets being used as Kleenex in your house then you are currently experiencing children.

Children can kill you.

(End with the kids quietly building a fort out of rubber blocks while the parents continue to kiss, hug, sip their wine and retire to the bedroom knowing Susie and Mark are safe to play on their own.)