Top 10 Things BP Should Shove Up Its Leaking Oil Pipe

So…there’s this oil leak in the Gulf.

After 11 deaths, ridiculous finger pointing amongst disgustingly rich oil company CEOs, and failed attempts at placing oversized diaphragms over the leak, BP is now going to attempt to shove a variety of items into the pipe such as golf balls and rubber.

I was just as shocked as you. So, I didn’t waste a second’s time. I picked up the phone, cranked out a few emails, and polled the world’s greatest engineering minds to come up with a better solution.

And now I’m pleased to share it right here, right now with you. YOU! Before I send it via carrier pigeon to Obama and via my foot in the ass of oil executives, I thought I’d let my faithful readers see it first.

Top 10 Things BP Should Shove Up Its Leaking Oil Pipe:

Rod Blagojevich’s Hair

Seriously, just scalp that crooked bastard’s hair right off and shove it directly in BP’s pipe. It’ll more than likely solve two issues at once – the clogging of the pipe and cleaning up the thousands of barrels of oil already spilled. In fact…don’t bother scalping this douche…shove him right up there with it.

Justin Bieber and his entourage

All you parents of young girls out there, I know you’re with me on this one. As big as that kid’s head is getting he’s got to be able to clog BP’s pipe up. And if that doesn’t work, we’ll drop his entourage down to get his ego nice and jolted just to fill in the cracks and crevices.

My kid’s stuffed animal collection

Seriously…can someone else please give my kids a fucking stuffed animal for Christmas, Easter, their birthdays, or whatever reason you feel drives you to buy a useless plush animal making a cute face with open arms and annoying scratchy tag hanging on its ass? Please? I so badly want to shove them right up BP’s pipe!  

Carrot Top

I think someone should send a fake letter telling Carrot Top that his jokes suck and sign it “BP’s Spewing Oil Pipe.” Hopefully that will piss off that steroid chewing, hulk of a comedian off enough that he’ll want to swim directly down to the pipe and strangle it shut.

Sarah Palin

Come on…you knew I had to put her in here somewhere. Hell, I’d pay BP to let me at least try and shove her in that pipe… Please! Please BP please?!

John Holmes

Someone should totally resurrect that porn industry icon, throw some oil on his Jheri curls, slap him on the ass, yell “go get ‘em tiger, and send him out there to do what he did best in life. If anyone could grab hold of that pipe and handle it like a man, he sure as hell could.

Nickelback

Ten out of ten people agree…Nickelback should be shoved directly up BP’s pipe. In fact, the poll further revealed that if BP were to shove Nickelback into their leaky pipe, they would be forgiven for the mass murder of hundreds of animals that will continue for years to come.

Snuggies

Need further explanation. Read this. Oh…and they should totally clean up the oil using the Sham Wow.

Death Row Inmates

Because – if I can rant for a second – it amazes me we keep people on death row for so long, using tax money, only to put them to death decades later. Gather the overwhelmingly guilty death row inmates up and….well you know the rest.

Zhu Zhu pets

Two weeks ago one of those little bastards got lose in the house and I couldn’t find it. All day long I’d randomly hear its maddening squeaks and sounds, feeling like I was on a really bad acid trip. Two days ago one was left in my car during an hour-long drive. It was all I could do to not drive myself into a telephone pole. Shove all those sanity killers hard down BP’s leaky pipe.

I hope you all enjoy the hard work minds across the world have put towards this environmentally important problem. We hope you’ll consider us when nominating for the next round of Pulitzer Prizes.

Heroes

Last week I was cruising home soothing my news junkie DTs by listening to NPR when I heard an amazingly touching interview with author Brad Meltzer.

Known for his mystery/thriller books, Meltzer started writing a book eight years ago after his first son was born. He was slowly creating a list of people he felt were heroes.

Miep Gies, Dr. Suess, Meltzer’s mother, Mother Teresa, Dan West, Jim Henson, Roberto Clemente, and more. The book is called Heroes for my Son.

It was heart-warming listening to him discuss the process by which he wrote his first non-fiction book. He took his true talents and applied them to a noble cause…to instill in his children the knowledge that no matter who you are, you hold within yourself the ability to impact lives in a positive, forceful way.

I drove past my home and went straight to the book store. Later that night I started reading the book to my kids.

It forces you to engage them, explain to them why things were the way they were. Why a black man was sentenced to death for a crime he didn’t commit in Mississippi. Why Anne Frank and her family had to hide for so long from the Nazis. Why giving away everything you have to help others can be so rewarding.

How the simplest act of doing what you believe is right can sometimes impact the lives of three….sometimes millions.

The journey of a parent is always changing, filled with twists, unknowns, and lots of stiff drinks.

When your kids are babies you instill the basics of life…walking, making sure they don’t choke on their food, and the glorious pooping in the toilet trick.

A little later it’s “no biting,” “we don’t use our hands for hitting,” and “it’s not OK to run around the neighborhood naked.”

Lately for me, it’s clear that I’m now entering the phase of molding a young man and woman’s mind. I’m guiding the creation of a person, their beliefs, their decision-making process, and the impact they make on society.

Praising diversity, instilling respect for those who’ve laid the foundation for the spoils of today, and listening to the questions, comments, and responses from my children along the way – that’s what I’ve spent the past few nights doing as we read this book.

It’s why I bought it. Because I was so thankful for the creation of a tool that would allow me to engage my kids in conversations surrounding the ideals and beliefs my wife and I hold so strongly and have always wanted them to learn.

The last page of the book allows you to write the last chapter of the book – a chapter about your hero.

I plan to leave it blank for now. And years from now, use that space to explain to my children why each of them are my heroes.