Bono's Back Botched My Birthday

A couple months ago the wife bought me U2 tickets for their July 6^th show at Soldier Field in Chicago. It was a very very early birthday present (July 3 for those who want to chopper-in some money to me as a present or what not).

I’ve never seen them live, but have wanted to for years!

To make it even better, my best friend and his wife in North Carolina bought tickets and plane flights to come rock-out with us.

I was stoked.

Then, this past week we learned Bono had back surgery and has since cancelled a huge number of U2’s tour venues through mid July while he recuperates. According to their website, they’ve been postponed to “2011 and more information will be provided soon.”

I learned of this through a text I got from my wife who had heard it through another text from a friend who had learned it from the interweb machine thingy. Two minutes later I got an email from Ticketrapster.

I respect the fact these guys have successfully revolutionized music the way they have for as long as they have.

But for shit sake…don’t you think Bono knew his fucking back hurt a teensy bit before he planned a world-wide tour? Didn’t you think he was all “oohh…owwwyy..umm….geezze..guys….I hate to rain on the parade here, but ummm..me back kinda tweeks a bit yeah? Maybe I should see a doctor then we should plan our world tour eh?”

Celebrities do it all the time and bands are the worst. I understand they’re humans just like us. Bacteria pounds their immune system just as it does ours.

But we drain bank accounts, get boss approvals, and create elaborate babysitting rituals surrounding one single night of musical bliss! Essentially as parents we make the earth move to spend an evening seeing a band we love. And most times that can’t be replicated.

And so here we stand, skirt blown up, pantiless, embarrassed, and wondering what’s next?

I’d give anything to be able to live that like. I’d be all:

“Hey honey…listen…I ummm…my left pinky doesn’t seem to lift like it should when I drink from my wine glass, so I’m gonna need to go ahead and cancel all the bed time reading, baseball games, cooking, cleaning, grass mowing, and listening to stories from you for the next two months mmmmkaaay?

“I’ve rescheduled all those activities for 2011. Keep checking www.WhyIsDaddyCrying.com for an updated list of when I’ll be available to re-engage in those activities.

“But we can still have sex!! Right? Sweetie? Right?....”



And Now the News, 7-Year-Old Style

The wifey and I make the comment all the time, “the biggest issues in the kids’ lives seem so trivial.”

We think back to our childhood and immediately remember how we believed our lives would end if we didn’t get those blue bicycle wheels. Or those red Converse. Or if Sandy didn’t check that “yes” box on the note I passed to her.

The result of this pondering? What if my kids had a 24-hour, live CNN-style news channel.

I’m assuming it would go a lot like this:

Music: Da da da da, duuuuuuu da da da……

“And now, your anchor, Grayson:”

Grayson: Good evening and welcome to, My Life Is Freakin’ Hard!

Topping tonight is elementary school news. Today, Timothy threw up in front of Sarah. Sarah immediately threw up on Jamal and Fred stepped in it three minutes later.

Art class is canceled this week and we’ll be spending that time reading books with Ms. Woodsworth who smells like daddy when he comes home from the bar.

At lunch, Bobby traded Shay chips for her fruit bar, but sources say Kyle saw Bobby lick some of the chips before the trade was complete.

Our gym teacher Mr. Tobockle didn’t flush the toilet after making a number 2 today, and apparently half the gym class saw it. Mr. Tobockle offered no comment regarding the incident.

This just in, Macy is in her lunch room with a live report. Let’s go to Macy.

Macy what’s the situation there.

Macy: Well Grayson it’s nothing shy of absolute horror. Susie just tried to open her juice box and it exploded all over her. While teachers were trying to calm her, Walker got up and fed our classroom turtle a Twix. Brandon has asked to go to the bathroom a record 13 times and we’ve only been in pre-school 86 minutes so far today. Grayson…we’re all hoping it doesn’t get any worse than this.

Back to you.

Grayson: Horrible…just horrible.

In home news, I peed myself just a tiny bit earlier this morning because daddy was pooping while I was jumping up and down outside the bathroom door begging daddy to please let me pee. I later changed into Spiderman underwear.

An outbreak of parents asking children to do unheard things such as cleaning their messes, making their beds, and brushing their teeth has taken over the mid-west. Officials suggest that children whine excessively, throw things, and make life unnecessarily hard for their parents until the outbreak subsides.

After the break, an exclusive interview with Jed, the seven-year-old boy in my class who eats his own boogers and never whips after he poops.