Shotgunned By 20 Questions From A 7-Year-Old

A few days ago the boy came down with a 102 fever.

Typically he man-handles the fever, throws it on the floor and tells it that “your mom’s so fat she wears a VCR as a beeper.”

But this time, the fever got the better of him and stuck around for a while.

So, the next day we call the doctor, set an appointment, and a couple hours later I’m on my way to get the boy looked over.

It was upon this journey that the he unleashed a fury questions that almost had me comatose, crying, and begging to just be put out of my misery.

Hell Hath No Fury Like 20 Questions Shotgunned From A 7-Year-Old

“What are they going to do to me daddy?”

“Take your temperature, listen to you breathe, listen to your heart, and probably…”

“Will I have to take my shirt off?”

“I don’t know buddy, probably.”

“And my pants?”

“I doubt it. You’re sick around your throat so I doubt they’ll…”

“I remember going to the doctor one time and I got down to my undies and then the doctor pulled them out and looked down at my pee-pee. And she was A WOMAN!!! Will I get a shot?”

“Yes, probably in the neck.”

“DADDY ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!!”

“No dude…I’m kidding. No, you probably won’t get a shot.”

“Will I ever get a shot again in my life?”

“Yes, we’ll be getting one as a family in the next few months before flu season.”

“REALLY? Will they do it in the arm or in the leg?”

“Probably in the leg, Grayson.”

“Will it bruise me?”

“I don’t know, but if you ask me another…”

“What causes bruising?”

“Well, the shot breaks the skin which injures it and causes it to bruise on some people. I think.”

“Do I have the flu right now?”

“No Grayson, I seriously doubt you have the flu. It’s not…”

“How do you know? You’re not a doctor?”

“Why did you ask me then?”

“Do you think mommy bruises?”

“I know she bruises dude. That’s why she’s always running away from me?”

“Because you bruise her? That’s mean daddy.”

“No…no…not like that. I meant…just, you know what, let’s listen to some music and just relax for a bit dude.”

“Will they have bathrooms there?”

“Seriously? You seriously want to know if they have…”

“What if I have to go boom boom while she’s taking my temperature?”

“Ok, now you’re just being ridiculous. Do you want me to stop and get you a diaper?”

“DADDY!!! NO!!! But…can we stop and make Macy wear one?”

“Want to play the quiet game with me?”

“Will my doctor be a woman?”

“Yes, all the doctors here are women.”

“Will they take my pants down?”

(I mumble) “No, but daddy might take his pants down if…”

“What daddy?”

“Nothing, I was just thinking out-loud.”

“About the doctor?”

“Yes Grayson…about the doctor…hey look…something shiny out the window!!!”

We arrived a short time later. This, my dear readers is one of many reasons why I sometimes fall asleep crying almost every night.

My Wife Was Right, But I'll Never Tell

I like to wake up with a game-plan for the day.

I like to know that around 10:30 a.m. I should be hurling the kids into the car, yelling at the wife to hurry the hell up, and giving the neighbor the evil eye because he has no kids.

This is completely opposite from the wife who enjoys sleeping until the kids are on the brink of burning the joint down. Then, she’ll suddenly wake-up and spontaneously want to climb a mountain, start a 12-acre farm, make “something awesome out of bamboo,” and feed a small country.

If you ask her “how are we going to do that honey?”

The first response will always be, “See!!!! That’s what I’m talking about! You never want to do shit unless you planned it two months ago!!!”

So, I decided not to fight it this past Saturday.

We woke up, the wife immediately said, “We shall go to the hoity toity Farmer’s Market, get judged, and buy some kick-ass donuts!”

I said, “Yes dear.” And we went.

Near the end of our judged and be-judged fest, we came across a half-pint of blueberries for $5. Knowing the kids love blueberries I said, “hey sweet precious wife of mine. Shall we purchase said berries for our amazing offspring?”

Her eyes lit-up, the skies parted, angles sang “whaaaaaaaaa” as the wife proclaimed, “We shall go blueberry picking right now!!!”

I said, “Yes dear.” And we went.

A quick Android search and five minutes later and we were joyfully headed to Michigan City, Indiana…just over an hour away.

Eighteen kid fights later we arrive at the blueberry farm and start picking like champs.

Half-way through our molestation of rows of blueberry bushes I realized, “holy shit I’m actually having fun. And…and I didn’t plan any of this.”  But how was I going to keep it from the wife that she’s right – sometimes just doing shit on a whim really can be fun.

Six pounds of blueberries later and we’re piling back in the mobile. Pulling out on the road to head home we pass by sign pointing to all kinds of stuff around the area, one of which said, “Beach.”

“We shall totally go a beach along Lake Michigan!,” my darling wife proclaimed.

I said, “Yes dear.” And we went.

An Android search later and we were headed to find Mount Baldy in Indiana!

A climb to the top of a huge dune, a few tumbles down it, and a mass amounts of memories caught on still photos and our day was complete.

One hour later we’re home, kids tired, in bed, and wife nodding her head with approval at the fact we had a kick-ass time without a single damn plan of how the day would go.

And I’ll give her props. If I’d planned the day, we would have left by 6 a.m., cooler packed, MapQuested the hell out of everything within a 4 hour radius and a schedule would be firmly implanted in my head.

But I’ve got to admit…not having a plan and just enjoying the day was mighty damn nice. But I’ll never tell the wife that.