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Entries from September 12, 2010 - September 18, 2010

Wednesday
Sep152010

The Teaching Of The 5-Second Rule

It’s one of the top 5 most epic rules of all time. And, I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to teach it to my boy.

I spent the first 6 years of my fatherhood watching the kids crumble into tears and tantrums after fumbling a delicious goodie from their hands.

“Quick! Pick it up, pick the dirt off and eat it!”

“NNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!” was always the tearful response. And there it laid.

To make it worse, my obsessive cleaning of my hands in their classrooms as a volunteer has taught them that the outside world is nothing but a smoking germ factory. This only fueled their desire to consider their popsicle kaput.

We tried it all, “What? Dirt on it? Awesome!!!! Eat it quick, that stuff’s like a magical crispy awesomeness or something!!!”

“You’re not gonna eat that?” Then I’d reach down, snatch the popsicle up and cram it down my throat to show it was OK. I only did that once. It was like throwing gasoline on a match next to a paper factory.

Then, a few weeks ago, a light bulb went off. I remembered that I have the short-lived “my daddy knows everything and walks on water” powers.

So, in my most confident, happenstance voice I said to my son, “dude, you don’t know about the coveted 5-second rule?”

“The what?”

“Son!!!? Seriously? After all this time? Oh my…oh my.”

“Daddy, what!!?! Tell me!! What about the five…ummm”

“The 5-second rule Grayson!! It’s vitally important. Are you sure you’re ready? Are you sure you can handle this?”

“Daddy tell me!!! Please!”

“OK my son. If you should happen to accidentally drop a piece of food on the ground for a length of less than 5 seconds that doesn’t touch pee, poop, dead animals, your sister, or anything else that may cause death, you can simply blow it off, and eat it. That is all.”

“What do you mean that is all?”

“I mean, that is all. Drop an ice cream cone, quickly grab it, blow it off and keep chowing.”

“Really? That’s a rule?”

“I won’t lie, it’s saved me from being hungry many a-time. But keep in mind! It doesn’t work for gum, candy, etc… that’s been laying around for days. It has to have fallen within the 5-second time period.”

Immediately the boy dropped his pretzel stick on the ground and looked up at me.

I started counting, “One-one thousand, two-one thousand…”

The boy quickly snatched the pretzel stick back up, blew on it, then looked up at me again. I smiled at him and waited.

He took a bite, slowly chewing it to make sure it didn’t explode his jaw or cause him to clutch his chest and fall to the ground riddled with impending death. Then a huge smile came across his face and he mumbled, “so awesome.”

My job here is done.

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Monday
Sep132010

This Oughta Help You Through The Holidays

If you’re anything like me, you experience a shit-ton of questions around the holiday time.

I know, I know…it’s only September. But you know what? Target already has its Halloween candy out and my kids are obsessively talking about what they’re going to wear for this coveted candy-filled nightmare of a holiday, so deal!

The holidays always bring a slew of questions from the little ankle biters that leave us scratching our heads, looking around the room for an escape trap, or diversions like “hey!!! Who wants a $5 bill?!!!”

So, since I love you all from the bottom of my heart, I thought I’d go ahead and tackle some of the tough questions you’re bound to get from a young excited child, and provide what I believe to be the best answer you could give if I were to be drunk, speaking truthfully and the worst parent on Earth.

These Q & As have been approved by the parental guidance committee of the great United States of America.

Q: Why is Santa so fat?

A: Because Santa eats the elves that are assholes.

Q: Why do the Pilgrims wear such funny hats?

A: Why are you wearing a douchey Izod t-shirt? Are you scared to be a clothing trend setter? Are you really my child, cause if so I’m very disappointed.

Q: What are you gonna wear for Halloween this year dad?

A: Well, if I get enough beers in her, your mother. But we know how those cards will fall, so I’m just gonna probably throw a sheet over my head, go to parties as a ghost and randomly bump into scantily-clad women for my shits and giggles.

Q: Why do we eat turkey at Thanksgiving?

A: The pilgrims and Indians originally had ice cream and cake. But then they finished and jointly decided they wanted every kid in the world to be miserable every fourth Thursday of November. So shut your pie-hole, eat and let daddy finish watching Dallas get their asses beat!

Q: If we’re at grandma’s house for Christmas how will Santa know where to deliver the presents.

A: He won’t. Now go to bed and cover your head with your pillow so I don’t have to listen to you cry.

Q: Why doesn’t Santa bring mommy and you presents?

A: The longer you live the worse life becomes. One day you’re opening presents and singing Christmas carols to strangers, the next day you’re steeling wi-fi from the next door neighbor while drinking Jack Daniels and cussing the electric company for turning your power off on Christmas Eve. Now open your damn present and get daddy some more ice for his drink.

Q: Daddy? Why does your stocking smell like poo?

A: Because your mother put dog shit in it.

Q: Did that man who you went into the garage with you for five minutes show you the smoke machine he plans on using for Halloween? Is that why the garage smells like that?

A: Yeah….yeah, that’s what it was. Now who’s got the munchies?

Q: When you were a kid did you used to get what you wanted for Christmas?

A: Yeah…cause I’d go to bed praying I’d wake-up to my dad passed out in a pool of puke under the tree surrounded by empties of Miller Lite and a stocking full of Lark cigarettes. Now run go get me another beer and stop asking so many damn questions.

I honestly hope these help you through the holidays. It’s a tough time! Money’s tight, everyone’s on edge and children’s heads are running rampant with questions about it all.

So, next time you hear that high-pitched voice start tossing out a holiday question that’s sure to have you looking for the next liquor store…know I’m here for you and always willing to help.

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