Smurfs & Headbangers Ball

It’s kind of ironic that one of the main Twitter topics yesterday was things I miss from my childhood, because it’s been something I’ve been carefully pondering for some time now.

See, I had this aspiration of sitting down, growing a huge long beard, smoking lots of weed, and writing this amazing tell-all book about my childhood.

Then, family, fatherhood, honey-do lists, and the like happened. Mr. Book probably isn’t ever going to happen.

So, now, I’ve decided to stop sandbagging my drunken dad childhood memories and start blogging them. Why not, right?

So, I started to make a list of possible blog topics I could cover in-between writing about things like why I’d make a shitty terrorist, how winters are a cock-blocking drought for me, and the unfortunate history of a Snuggie family gone wrong.

A sneak peak at my “childhood possible blog topics yet to come”:

• My brother shooting BB’s at my feet in the garage to make me dance
• My brother throwing me outside tied up and naked
• Coming home drunk for the first time
• My brother and I being chased by my rabid mother and her deadly wooden spoons.

But in the process of tossing together a wandering list, I couldn’t help but ponder the wonderful things I miss from my childhood.

Smurfs

Those blue bastards were so magical at the time. Papa Smurf had all the answers and Smurfette was so damn hott. Gargamel was that nasty bastard next door, or in my case, my father. Regardless, you always pulled for the short acid-trip characters to kick some ass and persevere.

Inspector Gadget

That guy makes MacGyver look like a bish. I’ll never forget dropping my book-bag at the door, whipping open the refrigerator door, finding my favorite strawberry and banana yogurt, and plopping down on the chair to take in yet another episode of this cartoonish clutz as he solves an unforgettable crime.

Life was so simple then.

Headbangers Ball

I’ll never forget the hotel room I was in when MTV went live on the air. It was like seeing porn for the first time.

The sound blaring through the TV set. The feeling of not giving a rat’s ass as you let the music video reveal how your life just “should be.” All filled with the anticipation of what video could possibly be next?!

Then, the impossible happened when I was hitting my teenage years. MTV launched Headbangers Ball. I was blessed with the ability to listen to hardcore, talented musicians at a time of day when we had to sneak out of bed to watch. Rebellion mixed with bad-assnes for the win!!!

MTV and Headbangers Ball were the staple of my existence well into college until the network completed its journey of slowly turning into complete shit.

So enough of my ramblings. Those are three prize 1980’s kid choices…what are yours? Tell me what in the hell you miss.



My House Becomes Police Headquarters

I felt like I turned 80 years old night before last.

Out of the blue it hit me that police scanners these days are streamed live online.

So, being the voyeuristic freak that I am, I decided to tune into my local area police feed.

Every five minutes I’d be lucky if I got a “we’ve got a report of a young male peeing on a bush” kind of call.

So, I decided to go for pay-dirt and listen to the City of Chicago Police Department scanner. MONEY!!!

The wife was interested for 4.3 seconds and then said, “so, can we watch Biggest Loser now?”

And I’m all, “but they just said 15-year-old kids were attacking dogs and the elderly as they walked by. Let’s see what happens!!”

Wife: “You seriously scare me.”

So of course, I can’t help but wonder….what if the daughter were dispatch and the son were the local police around my house? How would it all go down?

Dispatch: “We’ve got a 6-foot, 3-inch tall bearded bastard with a gap tooth walking around the house kicking inanimate objects and randomly breaking into the robot dance.”

Police: “10-4 dispatch, we’ve got a visual on said suspect and he’s also twitching violently and carrying what seems to be a shit beer…a Miller Lite.”

Dispatch: “Approach said suspect easy and treat as semi hostile. Be advised if approached too cautiously he will assume you’re a wounded animal and start to hump your leg vigorously. Although Chief says if he does hump your leg just let it go…he’ll only last 1.3 seconds.”

Police: “10-4 dispatch, he’s already engaged, completed and asleep snoring loudly.”

Dispatch: “We’ve now got reports that said suspect is snoring too loudly and waking neighbors.”

Police: “10-4 Dispatch, we’re applying the breathing strips now and handing the suspect his favorite Mr. Monk-A-Monk stuff animal.”

Later That Night

Dispatch: “We got a call of a 9241 in progress. Apparently there’s a motherly figure in the kitchen preparing pork chops for our dinner.”

Police: “That’s a 10-4 dispatch. I’ve been watching the 9241 in progress for the past 10 minutes and have strategically placed small garbage bags under our places at the dinner table so we can spit the food out when the suspects aren’t looking.”

Even Further Later That Night

Dispatch: “We just got a call that a large box-fan has been placed in the hallway to create a high volume of white noise. Therefore it’s believed two consenting adults are about to make whoopee. Please proceed to cock-block them.”

Police: “That’s a big 10-4 dispatch. I’m currently changing into my undercover jammies and about to implement the 3-prong cock-blocking approach:

1) “Place the dog in their room making them have to disengage to put him back in his crate, hopefully having to take him outside for a potty-break first.

2) “Loudly walk to the bathroom forcing them to stop for a little bit, then bang on their door to ask if mommy’s OK motivating them to have almost motionless sex.

3) “Bang on the door to announce my stomach hurts and that I want my temperature checked causing mommy to give daddy the “just go finish yourself off in the bathroom” look.”

Dispatch: “Well done officer. Well done.”