What Pisses Me Off?!
Friday, November 27, 2009 at 10:42AM Now that Thanksgiving is over, we can stop all this happy-dappy crap and get back down to brass tax—the things that piss me off. I did spend yesterday thinking about the so many many things I’m fortunate to have going right in my life. I know life could be significantly worse than it is now, and that for many out there, it is. But this is my life, and right now – I’m gonna get negative, cause I can.
There’s quite a few things that piss me off – some are long-term issues I have buried deep in my psychotic mind. Others are new and deserve just as much attention. So let’s get this thing started:
1) Screw you The Swine!! In my mind there’s three different types of flu. There’s the garden variety “flu” which everyone freaked out about back in the day (1 year ago), but now it’s seen as, “oh, you’ve only got the flu? Pshaw….dude, grow some balls, that’s nothing. Get back to work.” Then there’s “swine flu,” which will knock you out and is what my son is currently battling. It’s rough, but you can beat it. Then there’s “The Swine.” This bastard will take you to your knees, make you its bitch, tell you it loves you, then go bang your wife. My daughter had this last weekend and was hospitalized.
2) Kiss my ass Death! Yeah, I said it. Take your stupid black cape and go jump off a cliff. Seriously – you take one more of our family members and I’ll kill you while I…..oh wait….that doesn’t really make sense….
3) Last chance cat!! Jasper, our black cat pisses me the hell off. Why? Because he’s obsessed with knocking over cups and glasses. We cannot leave a cup or glass sitting alone or he will come over and knock it the hell off the table. It’s become common place to walk into a room to find a massive puddle or glass everywhere. Next time – Jasper – and I shave you and take you to Pet Smart so all the other animals can laugh at you.
4) The career decision I’m forced to make. Enough said on that.
5) Christmas makes me nuts! The materialistic nightmare that is now Christmas makes me wanna go postal on Santa’s North Pole sweat-shop. Even in an economy where we’re all counting pennies, the pressure to get out there and spend way more than you have is disgusting. If it weren’t for my kids, I’d boycott it all together and never….wait, hold on. “What’s that honey? No…no I didn’t say… But you know how I feel and… OK…OK! Just please don’t threaten to throw away the nookie jar again!” Ummm…. I’m I apparently love Christmas and enjoy buying gifts for the wifey.
6) What is it with Quitters? No, not people who quit….but “Quitters.” You know, that one sock in the pair that’s magically lost its elasticity so it’s all big at the top and won’t stay up and forces you to have to throw away a damn good pair of socks with no holes in them. Yeah – I’ve lost two pairs of socks in a week and I don’t even have kankles.
7) Cancer can suck it! Seriously…why can’t you only attack mass murderers, idiotic politicians, or Balloon-Boy’s father….OK, I took it a bit too far there, but you get my drift. The wrong people seem to always be the target and for that my friend….I hope cancer gets cancer.
8) And last, but certainly not least….yeah, you guessed it – Snuggies. You Smurf colored, backwards robe looking, piece of shit. I mean, the fleece it’s made from is not even good quality fleece. You make it impossible to sexually attack my wifey. You make sexy women look like turd smugglers. Your commercials make me want to obsessively stalk kids’ football games to find that couple in the stands wearing you so I can kick the ever-loving shit out of them in a parking lot. You’re stupid. You’re a washed up, worn out, piece of cloth that couldn’t hack it in the bathrobe world, so you went rogue, got popular for a short period of time, and will end up a phenomenon that everyone laughs at three years from now. Oh wait…am I still talking about the Snuggie or Palin?
Reader Comments (11)
Even though you are bitching, you can still manage to make me laugh...I <3 U dude. I am sending lots of hugs and healing vibes at your family. You just got handed a giant shit pile lately.
LMFAO... Love your post. Your right! There is so much to be thankful for yet so much to hate on.
Oh, and I'm with you on the Snuggie. I've already told the fam NOT to get me a damned Snuggie for Christmas. I'd rather go without.
Keep me crying with laughter daddy!
I 100% no make that 1 trillion % agree with you! This year, Christmas is back to what it should be! Handmade gifts (scrapbook calendars) homecooked (homemade peanut...yes I said PEANUT brittle) and home worthy (handmade fridge magnets for Gramma).
Oh...and lots of sex under the Christmas tree because we're too broke to do anything else! What more could a man want? Wife on a budget and sex!
I agree with that entire list. But I don't have sock issues so maybe not that one. But I do have dishes-in-the-sink-that-refuse-to-wash-themselves issues so you can add that one to my tab.
DUDE I wanna bottle your rage and put it in a vibrator.
1. I think you have a legal and moral right to go kick Swine Flu's ass on behalf of your wife and family, especially your wife's honor.
2. I offered to hold down Karma's ass. Now I extend the same offer for Death.
3. Cat's are one of God's creatures who can do whatever the hell they want. Give up the ghost on this one. It's just natural law.
4. Career choice will be made but I say you have every right to bitch about this for at least another 10 weeks.
5. Christmas commercialism is a pisser. Christmas Magic is a keeper. We have to somehow navigate our family to the magic.
6. Fucking socks piss me off. HOW did we loose 15 pairs of socks since the start of school.
7. Cancer should suck it!
8. Eh, Snuggies don't creep me out as much. But we all have our unique "issues."
Okay, there is your therapy and it's free. It's my holiday rate. And, oh yeah, I'm so NOT certified.
Cheers, Lisa
I've been wanting to complain for the last week or so, but everytime I go and start typing I think of you (except that one about my Mom.) Hoping things turn around for you very, very soon.
I lost both my parents to cancer within the past year. Hell yeah, cancer can go suck it.
Dude,
I couldn't agree more, especially about Christmas and the Snuggie. The Snuggie, inparticular incurs my wrath, because it has no redemming qualities that a bathrobe or blanket couldn't solve, and, and they have PHDs in cock blocking.
MamaBennie - yes, yes I did - and thanks! I love making you get your laugh-on!!!
Jessa: atta woman!! way to tell the fam the snuggie can kiss it!! Down with snuggies!!
Maniacal Mom - I honestly believe sex under the Christmas tree would make me love Christmas again. I never even thought of asking for that for Christmas! I'm totally putting that on my list. You rock lady!
Suzy - I hate dishes that sit in the sink all lazy and dirty. Those rat-bastards need to step it up a notch and clean themselves - earn their keep!!
Lady of the House - hahahahaha! Oh if you could do that you'd better install some "oh shit" bars to your bed cause you'll be in for one hell of a ride.
Lisa B - did you just breakdown my list and comment on each numbered item that pisses me off? Did you really? Cause that was.....soooo awesome!! except for the cat part - my cat can kiss-it. I like the guy, but damn I really wish he's leave glasses the hell alone.
Ana - thanks lady...I really appreciate the love. Back at ya!
Curiously Random - holy shit....that breaks my heart something fierce. Sending you nothing but love...cancer can eat a huge pile of dino shit.
UnidleDady - I couldn't have said it better myself brother. High fives to watching the cock-blocking snuggie burn!!!
LMFAO! Great post, sorry for all the shit you've dealt with lately!!!