Baseball in Chi-Town Scares Me
Wednesday, January 20, 2010 at 7:34AM So we took the boy to sign up for baseball last weekend.
There’s something people should know about Midwesterners. These snowbound freak shows LOVE baseball almost as much as they love a four-wheel jacked-up snow blower that can run 0 to 60 in three seconds while microwaving a bratwurst and holding their Old Style.
I’ll never forget the first run I took while in the Chicago burbs of Oak Park. It was May, the sun was out, it was about 50 degrees, and I was enjoying my first look at the neighborhood I was temporarily living in. I noticed historic houses, cars, good looking moms walking with baby strollers, and then it hit me. In front of every-other house was a father and son, or daughter, throwing a baseball. Cubs and White Sox flags hanging everywhere.
It seemed like even women gathering along the sidewalk were all “Ya…we’re gonna split season tickets at Wrigley this year with Bob and Marge…” (please re-read with a Fargo midwest accent attached)
When I got home I immediately turned the TV on to try and find a baseball game. The laptop flew up and while dripping sweat all over the keyboard I frantically pulled up the Cubs website to learn everything I possibly could about this cursed team. I was scared shitless!!!
I had that same feeling this past weekend when we walked into the local high school to sign the boy up for baseball. They had “farm” league and “prep” league. I was a deer in headlights watching kids warm up with their fathers as the sign-in lady was sounding like Charlie Brown’s teacher as she tried to explain the difference between “farm” and “prep.”
Despite the fact it was 10 degrees outside, sweat was trickling down my back as I watched a six-year-old hum a baseball over a 30 foot space back and forth with his dad. Seven year olds wearing numbers on their back were taking turns running down the first base line while a lady (well, I think she was a lady...come to think of it she may have had a beard) with a stop watch timed them. A line of fathers leaned against the gym wall were intensely watching every move their kids made while fighting back the overwhelming urge to rip their clothes off down to their loin cloth thong and beat their chests.
I was fucking scared out of my mind!
“Ummm…my seven-year-old’s never played organized baseball. Which league should we sign-up for that will keep him away from those kids?” I asked the lady, pointing at the six-year-old pitching a 40-mph strike.
With a half smirk and slight chuckle, she blew the dust off a form and handed it to me to fill out, “Prep. Your boy should DEFINITELY be in prep league. NEXT!,” she yelled as my sweaty shaking hand pulled the form from her hand and I looked around to see if my face was being televised on a jumbo-screen with the words “Deadbeat ‘Prep League’ Dad” written below it.
With that out of the way, and a few sessions with my therapist, I’m actually looking forward to the baseball season.
I look forward to seeing the boy learn basic skills, maybe hit a few good balls here and there, and getting a feel as to whether he’s really into the game or not. But most importantly—I’m fascinated to see how the parents will be. Oh sure, I’ll bring a gun with me to the games just to make sure no one gives my boy shit for striking out or running straight to third base after a good hit.
But I’ll also bring with me my pad and pen…cause you guys are definitely going to be the first to hear the rantings that are sure to come spewing from these rabid baseball fan’s mouths.
Reader Comments (16)
Calm down Daddy! that boy is every bit as competitive as you .. as you have said MANY times. He will get out there and blow you away.
No guns .... unless you have your concealed weapon permit of course.
Good luck! It's hard core, dude! We started with soccor and t-ball and are now up to football. People bring camcorders and follow their kids from one side of the field to another. It's straight up seriousness, no matter what they say. Even if they say they aren't scoring you KNOW you'll keep track, esp. if you're winning.
Just make sure you don't turn into the team mom. :0)
Great post. Heartwarming and absolutely hysterical. Good luck w/ the season and the therapist LMAO ;)
Oh Daddy! You are in for some fun - bwwaahhhaahaha! Children's organized sports is a whole new "ballgame". This will be my son's 4th yr in Little League, he's 9. We just signed him up 2 wks ago. I really do enjoy watching. The boys have so much energy and really have a great time. My advice to you is IGNORE the parents. You will have too much blog-material; put it in your novel. My daughtr is 13yo & plays volleyball - this is the level when you want to stuff your boot in certain parent's mouths. Keep us updated. I really looking forward to hearing your views. Love your blogs!
Good luck. The competitiveness isn't the issue...its the competitiveness of the parents that always worries me.
So long as the boy is having fun, that's the only think that matters.
Great post! It reminds me of my summer softball league growing up and the parents at the high school football games! Parents are worse than the players I think. I haven't yet ventured into this endeavor as a parent yet, as my oldest is NOT athletic. I think gymnastics is in my youngest daughter's future though...and hopefully cheerleading to follow. Talk about psycho parents, they are as bad as those moms on Toddlers and Tiaras!
Sheesh! What kind of baseball cult did you just sign yourselves up for?! Is it really that hardcore in your suburb? You know I live on the north side & we still have good old t-ball here! My son's played for the past 2 years & will now move into another league, but I had the luxury of signing him online! And from what I've heard, it's pretty low-key. Get ready though -- the parents are the ones who are the WORST! I heard a story last year about a dad who got right in a 10 year old umpire's face & cussed him out. They don't play around! :-)
Good luck buddy! I remember my parents sitting on the sidelines for Little League day after day after day...my son's gonna join the ballet!
I'm scared for you. Don't think you're in Kansas anymore Dorothy!
Um, yeah. I went through the same thing here in So Cal last weekend for my 10 year old daughter who has never played before (see my post about it by clicking on my link)...but unlike you...they didn't have "prep" and "farm" and I wish they did!!!! I almost died from nervousness. When she went up to bat and stood wrong on the plate I nearly lost it. I couldn't speak. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't move. She was 1 of maybe 5 or 6 girls who had never played before...it was terrifying. I survived. She survived. You will too. :)
The good thing is you can come home and say, "Thank God I'm not as crazy as little Bobby's dad." Oh and you should totally put your boy on steroids so he has an edge ;)
Ok so the douche bag who said "No gun unless you have a permit" crap is right...so bring a taser. Works the same and you can tag and bag any frisky critter trying to be an asshat to your son. As a bonus? They might shit themselves! ~if you've seen it you'd laugh too~ Parents are semi-totally retarded about Baseball! But your boy will be find. The learning curve is not sharp and good beginners competition is healthy and will make the cold as death weather you live in more bearable with something to look forward to.
This was my exact sentiment when my then-eight-year-old son signed up for football. He was old enough for tackle {gulp} but I took the safe route and signed him up for flag. This was his second season onflag - he'll be "moving up" this coming fall. I'm skurred, I won't lie. He's fast but holy everloving hell some kids are just BUILT to tackle kids. My kid's built to RUN from these kids LOL
As the mother of two daughters who played softball, be afraid. Some of those parents are CrAzy! I can't wait for the blog posts!
Just be lucky it's not soccer. I have never met more frightening people than soccer moms. Them women mean business!
Sounds like elementary school wrestling school wrestling in PA. Good luck! We were almost eaten alive.