Time for New Threads
Monday, March 22, 2010 at 7:05AM Ask anyone I know and they’ll tell you—I desperately need new clothes.
Hell, my good friend @momomatics did a three-part series about a sweater I wore every day for almost four months when I was unemployed.
My favorite National Geographic shirt has a hole in each armpit.
The shirt I wore when my seven-year-old was born and still wear now has a bleach spot on the front.
The grey version of that shirt has white elbows from being so worn out.
And the crotch of my only pair of jeans blew out after giving me a good few years of love.
The rest of my wardrobe…a few dress clothes and tons of running shirts which smell like death.
My new job is a bit relaxed. Most days I’ll be able to wear jeans and a dress shirt or polo. So, I had to go shopping.
Shopping for clothes is like asking me to change the neighbor-kid’s diaper while watching Caillou, listening to Oprah, and eating asparagus all at the same time. I loathe shopping.
From the second I hit the front door I feel like everyone’s watching me. Like all the professional shoppers are eyeing my every move and scoring me on a approach to the pants rack, my ability to properly sift through the clearance rack, or understand that stoned washed jeans went out-of-style two decades ago.
My spontaneous decision making shows through when I’m clothes shopping. I’ll see a pair of jeans and quickly go try them on. Then I’ll see another pair of jeans and go try those on. Then another…and another. Within 15 minutes I’m sweating and just walking around the store half nude trying shit on at the racks.
I have a hard time with the jeans being sold these days. (Holy shit I sounded old just then.) They’re cut so damn low. So I keep hiking them up and my “package” gets all bunched up to one side to the point where I look like I’m some kind of pervert douchebag thrusting his junk out to the public.
And of course the wifey took off as soon as we walked in the door so I’m making really bad, spontaneous fashion decisions on my own.
After 20 minutes at Khols I’d picked out two pairs of jeans, some new boxer briefs, and a belt. Thirty minutes later I found the wifey and we bolted to Old Navy – the Mecca of teenage low-budget hipster wanna-be’s. All I wanted was to buy a variety of colored polos. Five minutes later I’m standing in line and the wifey comes walking up staring at my wadded-up pile of un-purchased shirts like I was holding a nude picture of Rosie O’Donnell.
“Seriously? Black, brown, and navy blue? Could you pick any more drab, darker colors?,” she asks as a half-dozen people around me look at my selections, then at me.
“I wear black…you know everything I wear is freakin’ black or dark. It matches that cloud over my head,” I said. Then reluctantly put the brown back and grabbed a dark red.
When I got home later I put the jeans on for the wifey and got a “oh….oh no. Oh I don’t like those at all. Wow. Well…I guess they’re OK, I’m just not used to seeing you wear something that’s in style I guess.”
I love her honesty…I just wish I could have heard it when I was standing half nude at the jeans rack in the middle of Kohls while receiving 2’s and 3’s out of a possible high score of 10 in the category “knowing when you shouldn’t be making these types of decisions on your own or without a female at your side.”
Reader Comments (14)
You should try shopping as a chubbo-american,lol
Um, excuse me! You went shopping without me? OK, I know Im a thousand miles a way (lterally) but I received NO phone call, text or even pic message so I could smack down your purchases! What is going on. My heart has fallen out of my chest J-Dog.
HAHA that is why I don't take the hubby shopping for his clothes...I just go buy them cuz I know what he likes and what he will look good in. He likes the jeans at Sears, so I leave him in the tools if he is with me and have at the jeans rack, and then proceed to the rack with the t-shirts w/ cheezy sayings on them. He has a uniform for work, so I luck out in that department. We just have to purchase his "play clothes" lol
"Within 15 minutes I’m sweating and just walking around the store half nude trying shit on at the racks." Best line of the post!
Ha! This was a "read out loud to my hubby" post. He breaks into a cold sweat at the thought of clothes shopping. While ironing one of his favorite shirts, I noticed his initials on the inside of one cuff. Turned out it was a shirt from when he was a camper at sleepaway camp. Initials had to be on so it didn't get lost in the wash! He was 15 at the time. He is 34 now. Sad, sad!
Great post. Very funny. The only thing missing is a tight shot of your crotch area.
My hubs excels at shopping for himself. His work clothes are fantastic. Nice shirts, expensive shoes, GQ style for sure. His afterwork/weekend clothes...not so much. I get to see him in the the shorts with holes , and the bleach spotted shirts. Oh, and don't forget the ratty sweatshirts, and scroungy baseball hats. Flip flops that are TOO BIG, with everything. Gah!
Hope you are enjoying the new job. :-)
Too funny.
I actually really like the jeans they have at Old Navy.
You should really mess with her head and go out and get a BRIGHT red shirt and wear it home one day. You don't have to wear it to work, just change in the driveway!
I just single handedly solved your jeans problem (you are welcome)---> http://fashionindie.com/wtf-ass-cleavage-jeans-for-men/?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=Feed:+FashionIndieNewYorkCity+(FashionIndie.com)
Did you buy skinny jeans?
No wonder your package is hugging your thigh.
Nothing more unbecoming than an aging hipster. They don't have old men stores like they have old lady stores, though, do they? You're supposed to shop at WalMart.
Golf shirts and dockers, my friend. They're waiting.
Bwahaha! You should bring The Internet along next time.
I too am guilty of shopping for my man. When he picks clothes he ends up looking like one of the old dudes at the shuffle board in a retirement community in Florida. If I'm there and he grows a brain I usually try to be supportive though. You have to wear what is comfortable and for most men that does not jive with the overall acceptable fashion of the time (no offense). Enjoy your new clothes.
My husband loves shopping and loves clothes. He dresses better than I do. But I can't stand shopping with him cause he looks at every item on every rack and drives me insane. I, on the other hand, loathe shopping in the same way you do.
Hope you are enjoying the new job!
Hi everyone,
Very good to meet u in this theme
My real name is Truong ^^
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