The Art of Manscaping
Tuesday, June 22, 2010 at 6:31AM So my son gave me my first bitch-slap on Sunday. Father’s Day of all days!
Let me set the scene for you kids. I’m on a lawn chair, beer in hand, slight buzz, warm day, surrounded by a half-dozen or so friends at the pool they belong-to, grilling and having a damn good night.
Just as we’re all getting along famously, the boy rolls onto the scene. Sliding into the middle of the group like Tom Cruise in Risky Business, he takes over.
“So, hey. I’ve got something for ya!”
All the adults stop, turn and look at my little red-headed, gap-toothed freak son.
“Before we came to the pool, my dad had my mom shave his back and it was disgusting!!!”
Five years ago I would have immediately texted “my guy” and had the boy “taken care of” within five minutes.
All I could do was laugh. The little bastard had busted my balls in full display and he was right. My wife had totally manscaped my back a mere hour ago.
But three things happened with that unplanned announcement.
1) I learned that my son has now entered into the phase to where he thinks he can bust my balls and not get payback.
2) I am a seasoned “Payback” professional and he will cry!
3) Manscaping is running rampant and women hate to be in charge of doing it!
The immediate response from the ladies in this awesome gathering of drinking folk was unanimous – “oh I feel your pain my dear! I hate having to shave my husband’s back!”
OK, so shaving your husband’s back isn’t quit the dream you pictured when that engagement ring was slipped onto the finger. I can’t apologize for it.
If I could pull a few favors with the man upstairs in the hopes hair would graciously NOT grow in areas we can’t reach, then I’d do it! But we guys are just hairy bastards.
So, it’s one of two things:
1) Shave our back
2) Let it grow and embrace the way the wind flows across our back like a Midwestern plain
But then there’s a secondary level to this manscaping dilemma.
Our wives already “own” us. So, why would they care if we’re walking around like Big Foot on payday? It doesn’t hurt them one damn bit.
Look, I’m definitely not a arm, chest, leg shaving dude. Not by any stretch. The day I start getting paid thousands of dollars to complete triathlons, then I’ll shave it down body-wide. Until then, I’m shaving in all the right areas.
I just want to be presentable. I don’t want to fight windstorms from lifting me up and carrying me away by my back-hair wings. I don’t want my cat to confuse me as a “fuck buddy” when I’m laying on my stomach.
So I beg you ladies…on behalf Guys Who Grow Back Hair, Some A Lot, Some A Little, Organization…know we love you, bite the bullet, and please – give us a shave!
Risky Business, Tom Cruise, big foot, busted balls, fuck buddy, hair, manscaping, son, triathlons
Reader Comments (10)
You know, getting your hairy back waxed works too. No hard stubbles.
After the great neck shaving debacle of 2003, I am not longer permitted to use a razor on my husband.
Please advise the adults when and when not to wear a pull-up before reading your blog post.
That was piss your pass funny mr. you can now slipnslide on my back all summer ;)
*pants*.
Seriously. There is a cat on my back. Makes it hard to type.
*lol* Too funny! While I feel for your delima I'm so very grateful my hubby doesn't have back hair. Although, if I had to I would.
Yep, I'm with Virginia. Get thee to an esthetician, STAT! (No, not the high school dropout in the Quickie Cuts on the corner who does waxing in the back room where they keep the towel dryer.)
A REAL esthetician, like in a Spa where they serve you chilled wine while you wait in a robe so sumptuous that a dozen Terrys must have been killed to make the cloth. While you're there, get a deep tissue Swedish massage. Let them get you all relaxed and Zen like...because believe me, when they put that hot wax all over your back hair wings, you'll likely cry like Nancy Kerrigan. (But you'll be smooth as a baby's ass when you leave, and your wife won't have to lift a finger.)
Oh, and pick her up a gift certificate for "The Works" before you leave. It's the least you can do, Chewbacca...seriously. ;)
(And you should totally come hang out with us at MSM again. Just sayin'...)
I'm married to Chewbacca, so I can completely relate and have been Nairing and shaving his back since we've been dating... Damn sucks... Gonna start taking xanax those days... Or reading your blog first for a good laugh!
I have one word for you...ELECTROLYSIS.
I have been a part-time manscaper for over a decade. Honestly, the best thing I have used is called Magic Powder. It is originally intended for Black men and their beards, but it works wonders! Mix the powder with water to make a paste, spread it on, let it sit, then wipe it off. Smells a little funny, but no razor burn, irritation, and it lasts longer than anything else.
But - when are men gonna help women ladyscape?
Pretty sure you and Kimmy know I've gone the distance for your harryness more than once. My fav is the "its burning!" cream in Miami. Hehe.