All I Can Do Is Cut Grass
Monday, July 26, 2010 at 9:20AM It’s true…I’m anything but a man’s man.
Actually let’s clarify that a bit. I’m not metrosexual by any stretch. In fact, I’ve had the same wardrobe for probably two decades now and when I smell Axe body spray it makes me want to throw bricks at the dude’s head.
No, I just mean that I can’t do a single handy-man thing to save my life.
I could sit and talk soccer, biking, running, and beer with the best of them. But anything beyond that…I’m struggling.
Plumbing
A few years ago I rip my shirt off one Saturday morning, beat the hell out of my chest, and claim “today I will change out the garbage disposal.”
I grab a couple wrenches, place myself in precarious positions, and smile occasionally at the wife who’s standing there just shaking her head. Ten minutes later, I’m holding two pipes together as best I can to keep water from flooding our entire house while my wife frantically calls a plumber who says, “you know it’s a Saturday and I’m gonna charge you triple over time to come out there?”
For one damn hour I held those pipes together before paying some dude $150 to turn a shut-off valve that was less than 30 yards from where I laid. We then paid him another $300 to fix what I clearly fucked up.
Cars
The worst is when I take my car in to be worked on. Inevitably I’m asked, “what make, model, and year is your car?”
I’m always “…uhh…it’s a….ummm…”
Then I immediately act like I’m getting a phone call on my cell phone and I’m all, “oh..hold on, I’ve got a call” which I fake while I walk outside and fumble through the glove box to find anything that will tell me what in the hell I’m driving.
Tools
When my wife moved in with me back in 1997 (holy shit I’m old) she brought with her a phenomenal collection of really “cute” tools. They are all sized to fit perfectly in your tiny purse so that no one could ever know you were wielding a Phillips head or flat nosed. (I had to Google those to know what I was talking about.)
I’ve bought some tools over the years, but the cutesy, very very tiny screw drivers still dominate the tool collection. And yes, there’s been many a time when friends have come to my rescue to help with a job and said, “throw me a Phillips head” and I embarrassingly drop my head in shame as I hand them this tiny, itsy bitsy tool that could only help if your model trains broke down in your basement.
So in short…if you need serious work done on your house, car….or well shit, anything…don’t call me.
But if you want someone to stand idly by drinking beer, making you laugh, and referring to shitting as “going boom boom” – well then I’m your guy!!
Oh, and I can cut the living hell out of some grass.
World Cup, beer, car, man's man, metrosexual, plumbing, tools, tour de france
Reader Comments (10)
thank god I have a handy husband...he is a maintenance man. He is also a certified mechanic which really helps. He works like 7 days a week, but if I need him to fix something he is there in blink to do it. :) It also really helps that he used to work at his father's former construction business. He can pretty much do all of my bidding....speaking of which his ass is fixing the leaky drain on the kitchen sink when he gets home. Thanks for the reminder.
When I got married in '98 I was just like you. And I am still like you, for the most part, when it comes to cars. However, when we bought a house in 2003 I was forced into becoming "handy". I did my best to push for a house that didn't need anything, but (like 99.9% of the time) she won.
I'm not blaming, but my dad never did much with cars. So I never had much interest and was never taught. Although he did teach me how to change a tire when I got my car at 16. I remember him saying I will need to know how to do this. I have yet to change a tire since then, but I am ready (as long as I can find the jack).
I actually have a plan in mind. Once my boys get old enought I would like to take a community ed Auto Mechanics for Dummies class with them. This way they can learn from someone that knows what they are talking about and I can learn too. And if all goes well we can take other classes too (the Home Depot type).
Great post!
Drinking beer and making me laugh works for me! Thank goodness my husband has the good sense to call someone when he can't handle a job. Of course, this only happened after he caught the wall on fire, trying to install an electrical switch!
I can't even cut my grass now. A few weeks back, I was mowing the lawn when the mower slipped and the blades hit some concrete. Figuring I should check to make sure the blades weren't broken (I didn't want lawn mower blades flying out and cutting my feet off) I tipped the mower over. No broken blades, but when I flipped it back over the mower began belching black smoke.
Turns out I flooded the oil filter with oil by tipping it to the side. (Or so I've been told. For all I know, I just upset the gremlin that lives inside the mower's engine.) I was told "remove the oil filter, clean it off, put it back in and you'll be fine." Except I can't find where the oil filter is and can't tell how to take it off to clean it.
Also, the starting cable snapped off in my hands so I have a Can't Even Mow The Lawn two-fer.... And I don't even like beer. Where do I turn in my "man's man" card?
I'm pretty sure you are gay.
OMG!! you sound EXACTLY like my husband!! But he doesn't cut grass either :)
been lurking here ever since i found you...please never stop posting.
I am so glad that I am handy. Hell, I have huge toolbox...that's what she said. Wait what?
Anyway, that was awesome. I can almost feel the same as you grab your tiny tool. Bwahahahahah.
While I was in Florida a week, Hubby expanded the driveway,built a bookshelf, and installed a showerhead. Im working on gtting him to sew some curtains for me, you know, to soften him up a bit.
I'm confused... how would you not know how to turn off the water supply to your house? Isn't that common knowledge? It's like not knowing how to turn off your power supply...