How I Saved My Son's Life
Wednesday, January 19, 2011 at 9:00AM For the better part of a month I’ve been fighting the wife like a heavy-weight champ to NOT build a loft bed from scratch for our first born male’s room.
The initial response?
Wife: “Oh, so you’re saying I CAN’T build a bed from scratch?”
Me: “No I ummm….we should maybe…I ummm…Well, first, I love you. Second, he is the only male.”
Wife: “What in the hell does that mean? Are you going off to war or something?”
Me: “Going off to war…haha. You should seriously design t-shirts and…”
Wife: “No, I’m serious. You don’t think I can make this?”
Me: “Ok, you know what? We’ve been married long enough for me to drop some truth knowledge on you woman! Yes…I think you building a tall, loft bed in which our first born will rest his sleepy head at night is a bit of a risk considering you’ve never ‘wood-worked’ in your entire existence. There…I said it. Now what?!!!”
Wife: “Now what? Well that’s easy. First off, I’m closed for business starting now! Second, I’ll build your coffin you bearded terrorist. And you’ll sleep like you’ve never slept, just keep talking!”
Me: “Did you just threaten my life? Damn that’s hott.”
For weeks this went on. She’s searched on Ebay for lofts nearby. We’d call, finagle, and always walk away empty handed.
And for good reason, they were a mix between placing a wooden fortress in the boy’s room, or allowing him to sleep on top of four rickety sticks of wood.
Then, the light bulb went off.
Me: “Honey, look outside. You see all that snow on the ground, icey sidewalks, and that little dog freezing over in the corner of our…oh shit, I forgot I let the dog out an hour ago. Anyway, you’re going to spend 90% of your time out there in that building your first loft bed.”
Wife: “What are you talking about? I already decided we should buy the one from Ikea.”
Me: “Suuuuurrrreee you did sweetie. Sure you did.”
Wife: “Go get the dog before I do that jugular ripping-out thing Swazey stole from me and used in Road House.”
And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how I saved our first born’s life from a sure death at the fruit of his mother’s labor.
Ikea, building, death, dog, ebay, first born, loft bed, sleep, war, wood working
Reader Comments (8)
That is awesome.
I also did the loft/bunk bed from Ikea. If it can hold up for my kids, it should be fine for your son.
You need your voice box removed.
My brother has a metal loft bed for his son but I think he found it on craigslist.
She should have built one just to prove a point. Well, at least that's what my stubborn-ass would have done.
Or she could have just secretly had someone else build it! HA!
I would have indeed built one to shut your non-believing ass up. Or at least hired one and had it built and installed while you were gone.
uhm I built my kid oldest son a loft bed using 4x4's and 2x6's when he was 5. he lived, it was solid, sure he compound fractured 3 of his fingers when his older sister king of the mountained his ass off it. but that's NOT my fault. He also turned out to be a homeless fire sock twirler in new orleans but you can NOT blame that shit on my loft bed. I am currently designing a zipline from the 3rd story attic to the farthest tree at the end of my 2 acres, my husband is like HELL NO, and I am like, hell yeah geek boy, it's ON! I am afraid to place a freaking glass of water on anything built by IKEA I worry for your son.
@c- you can get things other than hookers from craigslist? wow.
Dude I hope you realize that the entire time she just wanted to buy one at IKEA but outsmarted your testicles by pretending that she was going to "build" something so that you would think you talked her out of it and into buying something. really? I thought you a higher primate. I thought you knew at this point no woman needs to be convinced to simply purchase finished product.
I am saddened that I will be removing you from ninja list and back to brown belts.
Also today I was able to get away with posting a picture of my husbands crotch and calling him a dick by following it with a photo of megan fox. because I know how male brains work, all he see's is wonder woman.
We've had IKEA beds for two of our kids and they've lasted 14 years or so, still going strong. Of course, IKEA may be cheap-assing it now and your kid will become a sad victim of the global economic recession and dirty Swedish capitalists. But then you can sue them for millions, so it's still win-win. (Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer. Don't call me for legal advice. But I'm free.)