It's A Brand New Year!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 6:48AM Well…I’m back after a two-week hiatus.
The fam and I took a little trip to North Carolina to recharge, enjoy some family and friends during the holidays, and to ditch the kids for multi-night excursions of gallivanting, drinking, thumb-wrestling, and graffiti by moon-light.
I thought about boring you with a play-by-play of our 12.5-hour trip from Chicago to North Carolina with a young nipper in the back who decided to grace us with the puke bug three hours into the trip.
But, I’m just not talented enough to pull off a puke story that doesn’t involve Bobcat Goldthwait, a tiger, a cage-match with two moles, and the Sanford and Son intro song as background music.
So, instead… I’m going to do what we all must do this time every year and toss out a snippet from the much longer version of…
My New Year’s Resolutions
I only ran just over 500 miles last year. The lowest mileage I’ve had since Brett Farve first realized he could pic text the contents of his jockstrap to sideline hotties. This year…I WILL break 1,000 miles by December 31.
I’m going to finally stop giving a fuck what other people think!! I mean…if…if it’s cool with you? If not, I could always postpone it another year or so, or something like that. I don’t know. Hey, I just found $5 on the ground. Want it?!!
When I finally shave my beard I will keep a handlebar mustache for longer than two hours!
To finally get my half-sleeve tattoo finished…without going bankrupt.
I will not sleep, eat, or read to my children until I make it to the Presidential debate, earn the right to hold a mic, and ask the question: “Mr. President. You have made it clear in previous campaigns for your current position that you are opposed to the war in Iraq. You worked hard to repeal the “don’t ask don’t tell” military policy, and are working closely with other UN constituents to keep North Korea at bay despite Sarah Palin’s belief they are our ally. So I ask you…will you vehemently support the growing Pants Optional Friday movement?!!”
To go to bed each night having my kids tell me they love me…unsolicited.
This year I will support the grape farmers! I will go above and beyond the call of duty to make sure grape farmers far and wide who just so happen to provide the wine industry its much needed ingredient are given their due during hard times!
To tell my wife one more time than necessary every day that I love her.
That’s the short short version. The longer version is anonymously hand written on a paper that’s been mailed to an unsuspecting gentleman in Arizona I’ve never met.
It’s my annual ritual, it works for me and I’m pretty sure once the guy finishes reading them he’s going to pour a stiff drink and thank his maker he’s not me.
Happy New Year world! Make this one count.
beard, bobcat goldthwait, car trip, handlebar mustache, love, new year, puke, resolutions, ritual, sanford and sons, wine
Reader Comments (9)
Happy New Year Daddy!!!!! Hope it is the greatest year yet.
Pants optional Fridays would be a good thing.
If you can get a playoff in college football I would happy as well.
Love it, love it love it!! Funny, and honest...as always, duh!
You forgot:
-stop masturbatring at traffic lights
-stop farmer blowing on cars when you "run."
-trim your nut sack
-tell ieatmykidzsnack on a daily basis how much you admire her as a person & you want to wear her skin as a robe.
Happy New Year my friend.
Happy New Year! So glad @rachaelpartdeux suggested I follow you on Twitter.
I had to contend with an early New Year's Eve pukey kid. Sadly, no Bobcat Goldthwait to lighten (or intensify) the experience. Just me, some towels and a whole lot of undigested scalloped potatoes.
As for the handlebar you need to participate in Moustache May. There's a handlebar category and you get to do silly theme pictures. I went with a "western" style 'stache last year and I think I'm going to go with the handlebar this year.
Dude, I missed you during those two weeks. I have lots of shit I'd like to see happen in 2011. I hope we can both get our shit handled. Let's definitely plan a game at Wrigley this season...
Please tell me you shaved the rest of the beard? My eyeballs hurt...
Oh, and Pants Optional Friday rules!
We got your letter, and we're calling the cops, sicko!.
- AZ Letter Receipent
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