I Fantasize About You....

So a few months ago I started “following” on Twitter this ballsy, cunning, and very funny lady named @IEatMyKidzSnack. She’s kind of like a mix between a sleeping lioness, a unicorn spewing Skittles, and that chick from college who did nothing but take bong hits and spew phenomenal one-liners that had you pissing your pants in laughter.

Her Tweets are hilarious but if you choose to talk directly to her, you better buckle-up and get ready. She’ll tell it like it is, wrapping up her 140-character response with one of her many endearing patented adjectives like “lover” or “assjacket.”

Anyway, enough about her (oh, she has a blog too. Go check her Electrical Box.)

One dark and dreary day I got a tweet from her that read:

“I fantasize you do ‘jazz hands’ after you orgasm.”

Anyone who knows me understands that when you drop a bomb on me like that…I’m gonna obsess over retaliation. So I thought…and thought…and then dropped on her:

“I fantasize about you Googling something and it returning 100,000 ‘go fuck yourself’ results.”

From that point on a vicious “I fantasize about” match has ensued.

So I throw it to you World…read the top 20 “fantasies” below, and then comment and let us know who you think is dominating the battle. (pppssssttt….. over here…come here… Hey, if you pick me I’ll give you a giraffe and my kids for the summer. Just sayin’!)

And now…..the top 20 “Fantasies” between @ieatmykidzsnack and @whyisdaddycryin:

WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about you getting wet every time Pinocchio tells a lie.”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize asking you to play rock, paper, scissors and you bringing me crack, rolling papers and lesbians. You are sick.” 

WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about you getting a colonic and 7 gerbils, 2cats and Gary Coleman come out.”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize your wife telling you she wants Stove Top Stuffing & you waiting in the kitchen with your pants down all day.” 

WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about you running a prosperous business smuggling families of Mexicans across the border in your vagina.”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize going on the Amazing Race with you and trading your passport for weed.” 

WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about swapping your bong water out with cat urine.”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize that you keep Snausages in your boxer briefs so dogs lick your crotch.” 

WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize that you make Susan Boyle look like Jennifer Aniston standing next to you.”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you drunkenly pissing in your Neti Pot and forgetting before you use it to clear your sinuses.”

WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about Octomom and Justin Bieber getting restraining orders against you?”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you taking too many licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop and it falling asleep.”

WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about you running down a flower-covered hill like Laura Ingalls only with 3 bears & a giraffe chasing after you.”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you going for acupuncture but end up getting gender reassignment surgery.”

WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about you calling Sarah Palin's daughter regularly for life advice.”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you going to Chuck E. Cheese and getting shanked with a spork by a 3 year old.”

WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about you going in to the dentist & them reading your chart wrong & stapling your vagina shut permanently.”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you going on Fear Factor & having 3 minutes to eat a bull’s testicles & time running out with one bite left.”

WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about your therapist giving you up for Lent.”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you needing a taint episiotomy.”

OK world…judge us.