What I Learned From Watching SpongeBob SquarePants
Friday, August 28, 2009 at 2:16PM I remember when my son was first born I swore to myself, my wife, and any other poor soul that had ears, that I’d never let my kids watch garbage TV. And SpongeBob SquarePants was always my prime example…..my picture on the picket-sign touting garbage TV as the destroyer of our children’s minds.
Those rants were usually done as I lay sprawled on the couch, with a beer, watching the Family Guy, Simpsons, or Saved by the Bell or what-not. Don’t judge me….Saved by the Bell freakin’ rocked.
Now – I get more excited to watch SpongeBob than my freakin’ kids do. I’m exaggerating, but I will watch it. And in doing so – I’ve learned the most amazing life lessons.
As a gift to you – here are ten of them:
1) Always hang around someone a hell of a lot dumber than you are – it makes you look smart and stuff.
2) Gravity can still kick your ass underwater.
3) All squirrels are born with Texan accents
4) A life of celibacy turns you into a happy-go-lucky, burger flipping idiot
5) Mr. Crabs and Kernel Sanders are the only two jagoffs left on this planet obsessed with their “secret ingredient.”
6) You can cry actual tears underwater.
7) If you remain a closet homosexual you’re whole life you’ll end up angry, bald, alone, big nosed and hating sponges.
8) If your arms fall off, you can simply put them back on—voila!
9) Crabs can asexually give birth to female whales
10) Dubbing over Casablanca, Singing in the Rain, and the Godfather with SpongeBob character’s voices is fucking hilarious.