My Son Is Al-Qaeda

I’m pretty sure my kids are terrorists.

But never at the same time. No….one always has to be America.

I can only break it down to you as though I were the inter-web-machine-thingy.

So let’s say I’m Twitter.

On this particular day the boy is Al-Qaeda and the daughter is America.

Twitter lay in bed thankful to be at the top of the food-chain in its household as it enjoys the silence. The fan is turning as it should to drown out barks from the incessantly annoying beast that lay caged below. Twitter’s bride is asleep next to it kindly keeping her nighttime breath-funk from darkening its nostrils thanks to the “Great Wall of China” pillow barrier she’s built between them.

And the little bastards sleep. Life is good…

But that’s not what Al-Qaeda has planned for the day.

The boy wakens. There’s no haze on the brain, delay in reaction or hesitation in what the goal of the task that lay ahead contains.

He MUST create chaos and disrupt order!

Taking the last step from its Ikea-built loft onto the cold November wood floor, Al-Qaeda stops to listen for the lay of the land. The sun is not up yet so its senses must be keen.

The humming of fans and calm feeling of peace bring a smile to Al-Qaeda’s face as it tip-toes slowly from its room towards America’s lair.

Standing eerily at the country’s doorway Al-Qaeda contemplates… “shall I pounce or douse the toilet and floor with my urine first?”

Al-Qaeda chooses to give the bathroom a thorough golden shower first. But it’s made a mistake because it has yet to realize it cannot pee without slamming the lid down upon completion.

That is when Twitter’s senses become awakened and keenly aware something is afoot!

Twitter immediately turns his eyes to the closet mirrors and watches as Al-Qaeda slowly and methodically makes its way towards America’s doorstep. Twitter tweets, “I see something #alqedaisgonnafuckshitupyo”

America lies peacefully sleeping, clutching its soft, pink blanket.

Al-Qaeda’s brain shuts down. Rationale escapes. There is but only one thing left to do.

Pounce America and make it cry!!!

And with that Al-Qaeda unleashes itself running full-fledged, uncontrollably towards what will end in pure hell just as Twitter swoops in from behind with a “occupy my daughter’s bedroom quick!! Terrorists!!”

But it’s too late.

Al-Qaeda lands solid on America, crushing its dainty hands below. A scream bellows from America.

America has been crushed…but not for good…because Twitter is there to rally the masses.

The wife comes crashing through the door, tossing Twitter aside and grabs Al-Qaeda by the arm.

“What is your problem boy!?!!! We’re sleeping, your sister’s sleeping and your dad’s standing over there tweeting like a douche?! GO TO BED!!!”

Al-Qaeda slowly sleeks away to its cave. America rolls over in its fuzzy blanky calmly going back to sleep. And, the wife gives Twitter a death-look as it tweets, “wife just rocked a whole batch of awesome parenting. Now off to snuggle with her and sex away the night!!”

This….this is just a small moment in what is the life of being parents of two organizations who want nothing but the utmost harm done to the other.

*Editor’s note

Dear Government:

My son is NOT actually Al-Qaeda, nor does he have any affiliations with Al-Qaeda or even know what in the hell it is. Please do not kick down my door, steal my computer or put me in any situation in which Matt Lauer must interview me following a segment in which he “investigates” whether Kim Kardashian’s ass is real or implants.

Love,

Me