Things I Miss When the Mother-In-Law Visits

For the past week my wife’s mother’s been hanging out at the abode helping referee the kids during their never-ending spring break.

She hopped off the plane direct from North Carolina last week and has since managed to keep our kitchen clean, our clothes folded, and our kids corralled.

Am I about to complain even for a second? Hell no.

But despite the love she’s shown, you can’t help but look forward to getting life back to the way it was, right? I mean, let’s contemplate the top few things I miss when my saint of a mother-in-law is in the hizouse:

• Enjoying a rare 15 min. of semi-interrupted time on the only toilet in the house without having to deal with my insecurities and psychotic thoughts surrounding someone else knowing that I pooped.It’s true, I have serious issues surrounding pooping in public and other’s knowing that I’ve just pooped. But that’s another story for another time.

• Knowing my (men’s underwear + panties = ) manties have not been touched by anyone but myself or the wife.

I’m not gonna lie. I love coming home after work and seeing piles of neatly folded laundry relaxing on top of my made bed.

But what gets me a bit freaked is when I see my manties folded neatly in a perfect square to be kindly put away for safe keeping. I mean, she’s touching where all my dangly bits touch!!

• Yelling at my dog without her saying, “awe, he’s just a puppy.”

My common response is, “you pet him he’s yours Ms. Mother-In-Law person!!”

• OK damn it…I masturbate. There, I said it. Can I do it when the mother-in-law is in the house? Yes! But it’s gotta be strategic, stealthy, and no mistakes can happen. And sometimes that’s just damn exhausting. But I do it anyway… I mean no I don’t!!

• There’s nothing better than walking downstairs completely nude at 5 a.m., fixing a cup of coffee, and just chilling for 30 minutes in the buff before pounding out some miles on the road with a run.

Can I do that with the slightly older Mrs. Wife in the abode? No….it’s just too damn risky. For her sake that is….

• I’m a habitual toucher of the wife. I’m the guy that can’t help myself but to lovingly tap the wife’s buttocks when she walks by or on rare occasions, cop a feel in her upper regions. And, like most women, it usually results in a “can’t I just walk by you without you groping me?” comment.

To which I usually respond, “I’m just celebrating your gorgeous body sweety!”

It’s just not the same when her mother’s watching. You’d think it would be better…but it’s just not.

I could go on…but I’ll save you.

And since my mother-in-law is known to randomly surf my blog, I’ll just end it with:

I love you Nanna!!



Top 10 Things Chilean Miners Will Be Faced With

For two months 33 Chilean miners have been trapped since a mine collapse.

It’s just damn sad. To think of husbands, fathers, human beings trapped that far underground for so long.

Regardless, it’s a testament to human-strength as they fight through a blip in their life so they can come to the surface and continue on.

But despite all that, I’m left wondering what they have to face when they finally breech the Earth’s surface?

So, I’ve come-up with a quick top 10 things the Chilean Miners will have to deal with when they reach the Earth’s surface:

1) TMZ reporters immediately throw before and after photos of the miners on the web claiming, “ummm, clearly the Chilean diet is a fad, those sons-of-bitches have loose skin, saggy faces, and clearly looked stressed.”

2) US Republicans blame Obama and the Democrats for it taking too long save them.

3) New York Governor Republican Nominee Carl Paladino accidentally confuses the rescue as an anti-gay headquarters ribbon cutting and snips the line to the rescue elevator with a large pair of golden scissors.

4) Couldn’t have been said better than by @ieatmykidzsnack on Twitter, claiming “I can't wait for the first miner with both a wife & mistress waiting for him to come up, see them & be like, ‘Umm lower me down. I'm good.’

5) Interpretations of cave drawings left by the “cool miners” picking on the “douche miners.”

6) Paying property taxes for the additional land they lived on for three months.

7) Being judges of “Buried Alive” the new hit TV show where they burry your asses alive for three months, watch you, sell advertising, talk shit about you, and then give the remaining survivor $1,000.

8) One of the miners writing the “tell-all” about the joint masturbation-station where they “relieved” themselves to crude sketches on the wall.

9) Miners immediately killing themselves when finding out Justin Beaver (yes, I know!!! It’s Beiber, but shit I love calling him Beaver) is still on the music charts.

10) Their kids are wearing sex bracelets and they just think Madonna has made a comeback.

It’s a sad story. But it’s an amazing rescue effort. And, for the first time, it’s damn amazing to see such terrific coverage of something so positive.

Welcome back to the surface Miners!