The Kids Take Over My Blog

I’m one lucky bastard to be able to work from home 75% of the time. But the days I do go into work, well, it’s a bit of a commute.

But, being the news junky that I am, I slide the shades down over the eyes, make oh sweet love to my coffee, and slip on a little easy National Public Radio (NPR) to listen to.

But the past two weeks…well, it’s been fundraising time at the ole NPR station.

For those who don’t listen to NPR, here’s the quick skinny:

It’s a private non-profit. So, they need members and donors to survive which means they fundraise on the radio a few times a year.

And, when they do…well, it makes you want to slam your head into a concrete wall.

BUT!!!! It did get me thinking. What if I treated my blog like NPR?

Here’s how it would probably go down:

Me: “Hi, and welcome to Why Is Daddy Crying. Today my son walked down the stairs and claimed he took a “really solid shit,” and ten minutes later my daughter was caught feeding a pencil to the dog to chew on.”

Grayson: “But, before we go any further, did you know that for just $1 a day for 365 days you could become a “stalker” member of my dad’s blog?”

Macy: “That’s right. With your membership, you will get a tiny sheet of paper to keep in your wallet or purse that tells others you stalk Why Is Daddy Crying. In addition, we’ll email you plastic fake teeth fashioned by renowned modern artist Akejeudh Von Piekdhjak. The teeth are perfect replicas of the massive front gap-teeth Why Is Daddy Crying lives with each day.”

Grayson: “You know what Macy, this hour only….I’ll even throw in a spork that Why Is Daddy Crying tried to kill himself with the last time I got out of bed and interrupted mommy and him knocking boots.”

Macy: “WOW!!! That spork is legendary! Remember the time the dog tried to eat it and daddy snagged it just in time and started chasing the entire family down the block with it? Now THAT’s a gift!”

Grayson: “It sure is sister-lady. In fact, I’ll go even a step further. Six years ago my mother informed Why Is Daddy Crying that he was going to be a dad with their second child.

“At that very moment he performed the rare, and never-seen-before action of “shartuking.” That’s right Macy. The man literally shat, farted, and puked all over himself.

“Now, it wasn’t his sexist moment in life, but we were fortunately there to capture the moment and strip and bag the man of his clothes."

Macy: “WOW, Grayson…that is phenomenal.”

Grayson: “Yes, yes it is Macy. Now, for those listening. If you make the decision to give $5 a day for 365 days, supporting Why Is Daddy Crying at the ‘come around the corner and I’ll let you ‘see it’ level, then you’ll get a 6 inch by 6 inch swatch of the clothes he wore upon the shartuking incident.”

Macy: “I don’t’ even know what to say. That’s flat-out epic Grayson.”

Grayson: “It won’t happen again in our lifetime Macy, that’s for sure.”

Macy: “So there you have it…it’s your choice. Give at the ‘stalker’ level or the ‘come around the corner and I’ll let you see it level’ – either way, your money is going to support a man who we sadly call our dad, except for when he’s face down on our front lawn…then, well…we refer to him as the ‘jumpy house.”

Grayson: “So give today and support our ongoing efforts to make our dad cry.”



Top 10 Things Chilean Miners Will Be Faced With

For two months 33 Chilean miners have been trapped since a mine collapse.

It’s just damn sad. To think of husbands, fathers, human beings trapped that far underground for so long.

Regardless, it’s a testament to human-strength as they fight through a blip in their life so they can come to the surface and continue on.

But despite all that, I’m left wondering what they have to face when they finally breech the Earth’s surface?

So, I’ve come-up with a quick top 10 things the Chilean Miners will have to deal with when they reach the Earth’s surface:

1) TMZ reporters immediately throw before and after photos of the miners on the web claiming, “ummm, clearly the Chilean diet is a fad, those sons-of-bitches have loose skin, saggy faces, and clearly looked stressed.”

2) US Republicans blame Obama and the Democrats for it taking too long save them.

3) New York Governor Republican Nominee Carl Paladino accidentally confuses the rescue as an anti-gay headquarters ribbon cutting and snips the line to the rescue elevator with a large pair of golden scissors.

4) Couldn’t have been said better than by @ieatmykidzsnack on Twitter, claiming “I can't wait for the first miner with both a wife & mistress waiting for him to come up, see them & be like, ‘Umm lower me down. I'm good.’

5) Interpretations of cave drawings left by the “cool miners” picking on the “douche miners.”

6) Paying property taxes for the additional land they lived on for three months.

7) Being judges of “Buried Alive” the new hit TV show where they burry your asses alive for three months, watch you, sell advertising, talk shit about you, and then give the remaining survivor $1,000.

8) One of the miners writing the “tell-all” about the joint masturbation-station where they “relieved” themselves to crude sketches on the wall.

9) Miners immediately killing themselves when finding out Justin Beaver (yes, I know!!! It’s Beiber, but shit I love calling him Beaver) is still on the music charts.

10) Their kids are wearing sex bracelets and they just think Madonna has made a comeback.

It’s a sad story. But it’s an amazing rescue effort. And, for the first time, it’s damn amazing to see such terrific coverage of something so positive.

Welcome back to the surface Miners!

Holy Sex Bracelets!!

This past weekend the wife and I were pumped to have our good friends from Virginia visit. We laughed, checked out Chicago, took Pink Ducky out for fresh air and hit a few parties and bars.

All was good until we were sitting around the ole fire pit with a bunch of other friends shooting the breeze. That’s when someone clued us in to the whole “sex bracelet” phenomenon amongst those damn teen whippersnappers.

That’s right, teens are wearing the pop star Madonna and Cindi Lauper bracelets from the 80s as symbols of what kind of a whore they really are.

For those who are as ignorant to this as we were, let me quickly explain:

Person puts a specific colored jelly bracelet on.

Each bracelet means something specific the person wearing it will do.

If someone walks up to the bracelet wearer and “snaps” it off, that means the bracelet wearer has to do whatever act the bracelet color represents.

And the acts range cover a whole array of sexual stuff: Yellow means a hug, Green means oral sex performed on a girl, Pink means give a hickey, glittery Blue means anal sex, and Clear means the wearer will do whatever the “snapper” wants.

Anyone reading this blog knows I’m no prude. In fact, my first reaction to hearing this was, “damn that’s so freakin’ awesome cause I still have all the jelly bracelets my brother wore in the 80s when he was obsessed with wanting to be Madonna.”

Then I thought…”wait. I’m the father of a daughter…and son…and holy shit!!!”

Seriously, who the hell comes up with this stuff and has it catch on? Madonna’s business manager?

I totally would have been that ignorant parent seeing my daughter walk through the room wearing jelly bracelets and been all, “hey, cool, those are coming back huh? Here, I have a pink one, glittery blue one and green one (means they’re willing to 69).”

Later that night I slowly slid 37 different colored jelly bracelets on the wife as she slept.

I’m not gonna lie, I’m scared for what the future brings.

When I was a pimply little shit the worst thing we’d do is “palm” girls.

Basically reach out and grab their asses as they walked by. Usually you were dared to do this. And…99% of the time you were immediately “palmed” right back…by the girl’s open hand slapping your face.

Now, all you have to do is rip a tiny piece of plastic off a girl’s arm and you’re in there?

What’s next? Walking up to a girl and just flat out asking her to show you her boob and she has to do it?

Seriously, I’m a bit freaked out. The degradation of women is happening at a younger and younger age. I’m proud of our youth for the amazing advances they’ve made in health, world peace, and the environment.

But when it comes to sex, it seems to be moving in the opposite direction. Either that or now I’m a parent and am starting to pay attention.

Regardless…consider this blog post a public service announcement to you parents out there.

And also, just so you know, I’m writing this with a red, clear, white, glittery blue, and glittery clear bracelets.