The Eye-Closed Talking Doctor
Thursday, March 24, 2011 at 8:02AM I’ve been complaining for the past three weeks about the plague that’s over-taken our lovely square-shaped abode.
The boy kicked things off with a stellar four-day 103-temperature caused by a lovely viral infection.
I quickly followed by becoming victim #2.
I’ll save you the details and leave you with the knowledge that my wife is a freakin’ saint for having to deal with sick me.
Then…the girl caught it.
Envision Gary Coleman stuck in quicksand, wearing a straight jacket, while saying the ABCs backwards and trying his hardest to take steroids away from Hulk Hogan. That’s what my daughter’s immune system is like trying to fight any sickness.
For five days she’s been dealing with a fever, pink eye in both eyes, and yesterday morning…puking.
So, yesterday afternoon we decided enough’s enough and that’s when we took her to the doctor.
I’m a bit of a germ freak…for the main reason that I don’t want to get sick. So walking into a pediatrician’s office is like asking me to lick just one ball from a Chuck-E-Cheese ball pit.
My visits usually start with me walking in holding all the door handles so my already sick daughter doesn’t – stupid, I know.
I walk up to the counter and immediately locate and use the hand sanitizer thingy.
I then sign in and get another squirt after putting the pen down.
This is followed by me having to pick the pen back up to sign my co-pay receipt which is quickly followed by another sanitizing squirt.
I’m exhausted just writing this.
We make it back to the waiting room and that’s when the doctor rolls in.
Completely ignoring me he walks up to my daughter and asks her what’s been wrong. Knowing damn well my six-year-old shy-as-hell daughter wasn’t going to give him the blow-by-blow of her illness I chimed in.
He looks her over, does some kid-friendly stuff to get her to cooperate, then gets on the computer to log-in the diagnosis while we wait.
That’s when it happens.
The man turns to me, looks me in the eyes for a split second, closes his eyes and proceeds to explain to me his diagnosis of my daughter’s current condition without opening his eyes again.
I’m sitting there all “is this guy for real? Is this a joke? Should I wave my hand in front of his eyes to see if maybe he’s just got lazy eyelids? Should I look at my daughter and ask her if she’s watching this freaky shit go down too? Should I kindly reach out and thump him in the forehead? Is he broken?”
I was overwhelmed with what was happening right before my eyes!
He was an eye-closing talker.
People who close their eyes for extended periods of time while talking to you scare the shit out of me.
As do:
- The person that looks ever-so-slightly above your head and to the left as they’re talking to you. It freaks me the hell out! Do they see dead people behind me?
- The cold limp handshake giver. That will seriously get you throat-punched.
- The mumbler. Nothing more needs to be said.
- The crowder. I need my space damn it. Respect it. Just because we’re sharing words doesn’t mean I want you to see, smell and almost taste what you had for lunch.
- The pontificator. The guy who talks to you with his hands behind his back the entire time. Why? It’s not even comfortable…not since you were in the third grade!
- And of course the antithesis of the eye-closing talker…the starer. Every conversation to this person is a staring contest. When you look away just so you can freakin’ blink again you expect this person so scream “I WIN!!”
Finally, the eye-closed talking doctor opened his eyes scaring the ever loving shit out of me because I was leaning so far forward trying to figure him out.
Fumbling around gathering my daughter and my things I thanked him and left in a huge rush, even forgoing the hand sanitizing as I leave ritual.
Walking to the car in the parking lot I got the wife on the phone.
Wife: “So, what’s wrong with her?”
Me: “The doctor closes his eyes when he speaks, honey.”
Wife: “What ?”
Me: “Yeah…I got the doctor who keeps his eyes closed the ENTIRE time he’s talking to you. Do you realize how insanely freaky that is to me? Have you seen this guy?”
Wife: “Wow…really? Seriously? Can you not just tell me what is wrong with our daughter?”
Me: “Oh shit.”
Wife: “What? Where’s Macy? Did you leave her in there?”
Me: “No, I have her right here but I was so busy obsessing about the eye-closed talking doctor that I didn’t hear anything he said.”
I quickly concluded that since I didn’t walk out with any prescriptions it must be a viral infection. Genius…I know.
I also concluded that not only do I hope to never come in contact with freaky eye-closed talking doctor again…but I’m definitely going to be him for this Halloween.
Gary Coleman, Jennifer Aniston, chuck-e-cheese, closed eyes, doctor, freak, halloween, sickness, virus
Reader Comments (22)
haha what about the low talker...they are equally irritating. I am almost completely deaf in on ear, so low talkers piss me off. O yea and extremely loud talkers....I don't understand why these people are like yelling the entire time they talk. Freaks me out.
So I googled body language and closed eyes... this is the definition I got:
Closing
Closing the eyes shuts out the world. This can mean 'I do not want to see what is in front of me, it is so terrible'.
Sometimes when people are talking they close their eyes. This is an equivalent to turning away so eye contact can be avoided and any implied request for the other person to speak is effectively ignored.
Visual thinkers may also close their eyes, sometimes when talking, so they can better see the internal images without external distraction
hmmmm...
here's the link:
http://changingminds.org/techniques/body/parts_body_language/eyes_body_language.htm
I'm with your wife. Really? Men. So easily distracted. LOL
All of those things freak me out, too - I like to think I have a very conversational speaking style - but when confronted with people who absolutely seem to not be able to speak to others? It makes me worry that I'm somehow dysfunctional, too. Then I remember that I'm awesome & that's that.
Puking after being sick for a few days is absolutely horrendous. Truly. Whenever I encounter the stomach issues, it's the forefront of the illness..puking, and then the muscle aches/temperature/whatever else comes about. I honestly can't imagine being miserable and then starting with the ralphs.
I hope all is well in the household soon . . . and that this somehow spares your wife, because, damn...
I hate you. I wish I wrote this. I hate when people talk to me and put their hands on me. Except for hot guys.
That doctor has some issues!
May want to consider changing. I wouldn't put up with that.
That was hysterical! I have a friend who does the eyes closed thing when she's drinking and telling a story. It always freaks my husband out!
I also hate it when singers, especially singers at church, close their eyes THE ENTIRE SONG!!! 1 - you're not that good & 2 - the lyrics aren't that moving.
I'm an autism mom, so my first thought was this doc must be on the spectrum. Even if he's not, he should still work on his social skills a bit. Really.
Since you didn't mention throat punching him, I'm guessing his handshake was ok. If you could bring yourself to shake that germy thing. Blech.
I loathe the mumbler.
Yeah, I'm equally creeped out by people who close their eyes while talking -- seriously, what is WITH that? In my experience, it's usually when they're being incredibly condescending/rude about something... though I doubt a child doc would have too much occasion to be a jerk about stuff. Maybe.
Hope your family feels better soon!
My kids' pediatrician would NOT look my Hubby in the face EVER. Not while discussing her ailments, treatment or the freaking weather. The overprotective dad decided this was because the guy is a creep and should most definitely not be giving our girl her yearly pat down because clearly he must have slipped under the pedophile screening a peds doc certainly must undergo. I waited 2 years to get on this guy's patient list and daddy dearest decided we were out of there because of the no eye contact thing.
A few months later we found out he really was a creep and I'm glad the hubs stood his ground. I'd hate to see how ballistic my hubs would have gone had the wacko actually closed his eyes.
lazy eye guy.
a real medical condition, I know, so I should not be creeped out by it, but no, I still am...
my OB's partner had a lazy eye...and I was supposed to trust him to do my C section if she was unavailable? um, no
lazy eye=creepy guy
This totally happened to me after 10 hrs in the ER at 34 weeks pregnant. I kept telling them I had chest pain and they kept telling me it was the stomach flu. When I finally got to see the doctor he stood there and talked to me with his eyes closed the entire time. And was patronizing. And tried to send me home still with intense chest pain, no tests done and no info on how I was supposed to keep food down to, oh, I don't know, nourish my baby??? If I saw him today I'd probably punch him, to be honest, I have NEVER felt so dismissed in my life. Oh, and turns out it wasn't the stomach flu, it was hypertension, and the chest pain was from my liver going toxic, which they may have figured out if they had taken my damned blood pressure or something. Jackass. But I never knew this was a thing. I wonder if it's just doctors? I've never seen anyone else do this. I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking it was just about the weirdest thing. Oh, and he was a hands behind his back, actually rocking on his feet a little pontificator. On second thought, maybe I'd hit him with my car.
HaHa... my old paramedic partner, who is now a Dr. is like this!!!!! But he's not in the Chicago area... his eyes close and his eyelids flutter....
Also, about "The person that looks ever-so-slightly above your head and to the left as they’re talking to you. It freaks me the hell out! Do they see dead people behind me?" I do this to my daughter every once in a while.. FREAKS HER OUT!!!!! She's 16 and always responds with , "What's wrong with my hair??" cuz that's one of the few things she thinks is important!!!
I am confused by the eye lid flutter.
I don't think the person who does this while communicating is aware they are doing it and I'm quite certain they have never been told.
It is our duty to tell them.
This needs to stop.
I have found your long lost cherry! ROFL!
You have an award on my blog!
http://www.kristinesplace.com/blog/?p=3955
Have a great weekend!
Your post and tweets never fail to make smile a little.
As far as conversational hates, lets add the one upper to the list. I hate the guy who always has to top what ever. If yours was bad theirs is always worse, yet if yours turned amazing theirs got even better. blech
My daughter's asthma/allergy specialist does the same thing. We seriously had an hour long conversation with the man and his eyes were closed most of the time. He was actually very nice and answered all of our questions but he was so creepy.
Freaky doctor! You can always ask for another one.