The Wife & I Discuss Testicles

This past Saturday we took our puppy Marty to have his manhood removed. Despite the wife trying everything in her power to have the doctors neuter me as well, I managed to escape with my bits and pieces.

But, the whole situation did instigate a conversation between the wife and I about testicles.

Me: “That poor little bastard is gonna have a twig with no berries. You think he’ll need doggie therapy to deal with it?”

Wife: “You’re not taking this too well are you?”

Me: “It’s a guy thing. When another member of the male gender loses his man-bits we’re required to take a collective sigh and moment of silence.”

Wife: “You have serious issues.”

Me: “Those things are important. They’re magical and scientifically speaking, I wouldn’t be shocked if they have some sort of roll in the Earth’s orbit around the moon.”

Wife: “They have a scientific affect all right. They cloud your thinking with images of boobies and panties so you say really stupid things. Case-in-point…the Earth revolves around the sun sweetie.”

Me: “If you ever say ‘case-in-point’ to me again you’ll be orbiting the sun.”

Wife: “I don’t know, I just think those things possibly do more harm than good. I mean, look at child molesters and rapists.”

Me: “Yeah, they should definitely have their balls removed immediately after being found guilty. But come on, they do a lot of good. They produced your children!”

Wife: “They did help with that process. Although, now that that’s done with maybe we should consider removing them?”

Me: “Why, so that I turn into a Snuggie-wearing, Oxygen-watching, girlfriend of yours who doesn’t hump your leg, do naked dances for you after my showers, or complain about going shopping?”

Wife: “Oh my God that sounds blissful. I think I had a small orgasm at the thought of that.”

Me: “That hurts….that hurts deep. My balls are staying with me till the bitter end my dear!”

Wife: “Speaking of that, there’s another testicular fact. Old-man-balls are an absolute horror show. Your balls are never gonna hit your knees are they?”

Me: “When the hell have you seen old-man-balls? Do you have some sort of old person fetish? Is this why you watch Golden Girls all the time?”

Wife: “I just think you should consider wearing like a man testicle bra so when you’re 80 your nuts aren’t dragging the ground.”

Me: “So can I take a second to recap what you seem to believe about my balls? They make me think of nothing but boobies and panties, clouding my thoughts to the point that I even dismiss Galileo’s hard work. You would like to have them removed so I turn into your dream-girl BFF. But, if they do remain part of me it scares you to the point that you spend sleepless nights inventing man-testicle bras?”

Wife: “Honey. You know you were staring at my breasts the whole time you were ranting just then?”

Me: “What color panties are you wearing right now?”

The Launch & Discussion of Why Is Daddy Crying – the film

Just a mere few days before the hallowed holiday of Father’s Day, my dear friend JC Little (AKA @LittleAnimation on Twitter) and I are pleased to launch the highly anticipated 3-minute animated short based on this blog. I hope you all enjoy it and happy Father’s Day world!!

As we launch it, JC Little and I have a quick discussion.

Me: So, I wish we could do this over a few bottles of wine with cameras rolling like a professional DVD extra interview. But, we’re stuck to a conversation via my blog.

I can’t even begin to thank you for creating such an amazing animated short inspired by my insane family. And we’re launching it today!!

So, let’s take a quick gander back in time and talk about what brought us together. I believe it was the hatred for the Snuggie that made our paths cross...

JC: Actually I was new on Twitter and I did an #FF on a Thursday. You caught me!

After that I found your anti-Snuggies blog post and we tried really hard to make #sayNOtoSnuggies trend. We almost succeeded too. Remember how you over-tweeted and got booted off Twitter? You left me holding the baby - me - a Twitter newbie! That was SO FUN. Met a lot of cool tweeps that night.

Me: It wasn't fun..it was frustrating!!! We were rocking the #sayNOtoSnuggies and then...I was gone. Shunned from Twitter.

So, I'll never forget when you DM'd me and said, "I wanna do an animation based on your blog."
I immediately said, "that's so awesome…but I can't pay you." Then you said you would do it pro-bono.

So I want to hear it from you....tell me about the making of this kick-ass film!!

JC: WHAT??? I never said I'd do it for FREE??? ARE YOU CRAZIE MAN!!!!???

I'm kidding of course! You can keep your first born. Hah. You've already made me laugh so much with your crazy blog, I consider it already bought and paid for. I can't resist a good story, and you inspired me. I decided it was a film that needed to be made.

Me: So tell me a couple good tidbits from your experience making this animated short? Like your brother screaming his head off for hours!

JC: My brother? Oh yeah, well I obviously needed to cast someone to do the voice of the crying daddy. I remembered how I used to make my brother scream when we were kids, heheh.

He actually never did any voice work before, but he did an amazing job when we went into the studio. He responded really well to direction too. The voice work came out so well, I had trouble deciding which takes to use - they were all so funny. And he's about to have his first baby, so now he's got a head start on the crying.

Me: I think you captured the look and attitudes of my family absolutely perfectly. My kids love it. The wife laughs every time, and her favorite part is that you made her about a foot taller than she really is!

JC:  Hey, it's a challenge to make stick figures look like people you never met!  It was great to have their feedback throughout the process, from script through storyboard and animation. Especially the kids.

Do you think your character looks like you?

Me: I think it does…except you did miss the incredibly huge ears I have, the gap in my front teeth, and the fact that I randomly break out into the robot. Other than that it was brilliant! The entire film is brilliant…from beginning to end.

I can’t thank you enough for sharing such a great experience with me. I can’t wait to see what people think!

JC: Me too! I hope it makes them laugh and touches them enough to want to share it with their dads. It's a great Father’s Day gift no? Thanks for the chance to talk about the 'making of' with you; I gotta go animate you doing the robot now ;-D

Me: Oh, I’d love to see that! Oh…and we should be sure and leave the proper cliff-hanger before signing off! There is an alternate ending to this animated short masterpiece. Stay tuned!!! My dear friend JC is going to bless us all with that in the coming week or two!

Enjoy the film!

Family Discussion: A Furry Little Shit

I came home yesterday to all hell breaking loose at the house.

Son: “But mommy I really really want one!”

Wife: “I know you do Grayson. We will probably get you one, so relax.”

Daughter: “Well if Grayson gets an animal I want a cat and I’ll keep it in my room and it’ll be all mine.”

Wife: “You can’t keep a cat in your little room all the time Macy.”

Daughter: “But MOOOMMMYYYY, Grayson gets to keep a hamster in his room, why can’t I keep a cat in mine?”

That’s when it all clicked in my head what was happening.

Me: “Whoa whoa whoa!! No one’s getting any animals. We have a cat and that’s plenty!!”

And then the water works started, followed by high pitched whining flavored with hardcore disappointment.

My son’s best buddy at school has a hamster. So naturally my son HAS to have one. And somehow, when I was away from the house for more than five minutes yesterday, my wife’s ability to slam any thoughts that another furry beast might enter this home permanently became weak. Our kids were breaking her quickly.

Me: “Grayson, what is it you want to get?”

Son: “Oh…daddy, it’s a teddy bear hamster. It’s really furry and really cute and it has long fuzzy hair all over it and I want it so badly daddy. I will take such good care of it and will name it Ted.”

Daughter: “And if Grayson gets a hamster mommy said I could buy two new Zhu Zhu pets!”

This is the point where I look at the wife with a “what in the holy hell are you thinking woman” look on my face.

Wife: “Don’t look at me like that. I pretty much promised Grayson he could have one.”

Me: “But we already have cat shit to clean up. We have a fish in the boy’s room that refuses to die. And now we’re gonna have a small animal that needs it’s wood shred thingies changed, food, water and the boy’s gonna let it get lose at least once and the cat will try to eat it and I’m already freakin’ exhausted….”

Wife: “Pipe-down childhood ruiner and quit over exaggerating. I had two as a kid and loved it. Let the boy have this.”

Me: “Whatever… I’m gonna need you to sign this document nullifying any and all involvement I might have in handling, touching, cleaning, observing, chasing, smelling, acknowledging, petting, and  any other word ending in “ing” that might involve Bob crossing paths with my daily life.”

Wife: “His name’s Ted idiot-boy. Get it right.”