I Answer 20 Questions About Myself

So, it’s been a while since I went to the amazing wives, dads, family, and friends that I enjoy following on Twitter to ask, “what do you want to know about me.”

In fact, I think it’s been over a year or so. Here’s some of the other times I’ve done it.

Yesterday I asked on Twitter “the first 20 questions asked I’ll answer truthfully” and then it rained questions.

So, without further adieu….here we go:

@flashyphotog asks:  If you were a drag queen, what would be your signature dance move?

Well first off I only do lawn dances. Butt!! (yes, I meant “butt”) if I were a drag queen how in the holy hell could I not do “The Butt” with touch of “Jessie’s Girl” and a sick rendition of “Single Ladies” sprinkled throughout!! Now throw me my damn leotards and step off!!

@jbenj219 Why do toasters have a setting on them that burns toast so bad that no one would ever use it? It’s simple. Toasters are the product of Al Qaeda. They’re not dumb. They know how much we enjoy toast - the crunchy, buttery, amazingly sexy feeling of toast so early in the morning. Jam, spread thickly across its porous surface only to meet the morning’s first cup of coffee in your hot-garbage morning breath mouth!! It’s ecstasy!!!

And Al Qaeda is here to fuck it all up with a burnt-ass toast setting cause they know our lazy asses will choose that to hurry all that awesomeness up!

@ellemenopee what do you sleep in? Great freakin’ question!! I used to enjoy the succulent feeling of fresh, static-free sheets against my manly-bits until I had KIDS! Now…I enjoy sleeping in the sexy, hott, old-school, crotch-blown-out running shorts I retired years ago. Seriously…I know you’re thinking about leaving your husband for me…you should really refrain.

@ladyquestion and @dakotapam why is daddy crying : Ok, well, the best answer to that can only be found thanks to the amazing @littleanimation who answered the question “Why Is Daddy Crying” with THIS and THIS.

@artisticdork why did you think you’d only get one? It’s true…I did tweet I was scared that I’d only get one response to my question of “ask me anything” to my twitter kids. And well…it all stems back to the time I was 6 years old and my brother and I were at McDonald’s for ice cream and they made one ice cream cone…..and then the machine broke. And…guess who got the cone!?! Yeah….my brother. Ever since then the glass in my life has been half empty.

@dadlogicblog do you lick 9-volt batteries? Wait! That’s not normal?! Oooohhhh…so that’s why my doctors and dentists have been looking at my body and then saying, “ummm…we’re gonna need you to just sit tight for juuuuust a bit, mmmkay? Thanks!!” and then running out of the room only to enter two minutes later with colleagues from other hospitals and medical magazines uttering words like, “I know, I’ve never seen some sick 9-volt addictive battery shit like that either!!”

@thesuniverse Salty snacks or sweet? Show your work in your answer. OK…this question has me both wanting some shelled peanuts and also the phone number to the nearest shrink in your immediate area that makes. Also, ummm…when they diagnose you…please share the drugs!!

@willgoldenstein why is blue? This…has…to be..the most…profound…question…EVER!!! Seriously. Every part of this sentence is just balls-on accurate. Why is blue? I’ll tell you why is blue….because the rapture is pissed from all the press it’s gotten and has decided to merge with the Mayan’s 2012 death-trap claim. Now the entire freakin’ sub-death-world is coming for our asses sometime next year. When? Who the hell knows? But it’s coming. So, why is blue? Better question…Why is a Big Death Dildo Emerging From Sky In A Big “I Must Crush You” Russian Voice Kill Everyone Fashion!!?!

@nordicwonder how would your perfect Father's day go? Sex, beer, running, beer, sex, sex, sex, beer, sleep, sex, beer, massage.

@_green_eyes_ ok..do you have any twitter crushes? Absolutely. Have you not been watching my incredible battle with @ieatmykizsnack over the past year? I don’t think I’ve fantasized about anyone more than her….just check out some of our battles here and judge for yourself!

@overmom will there be a for reals rapture? Please see my above answer to @willgoldenstein

@chickensfeed You are vacuuming, the floor is littered with barbie shoes and tiny lego pieces. What do you do? I call the “annoying co-worker” at work, tell her “the boss really needs you to test your skills at my house before she feels she can give you an accurate job skills assessment!!” and then prop-up a lawn chair next to a cooler of beer and watch the magic happen.

@dadgineer Why, if stranded on a deserted Island, would you bring a collection of Barbara Streisand photos? Ummm…I’m pretty sure, knowing my luck, that in the act of me becoming stranded on an island the sexy Barbara Streisand photos I had with me would get the face burned off them, leaving them to look like Donald Trump with Streisand’s body. And, therefore, I  would spend the rest of my life crying and masturbating to a picture of Donald Trump sporting a pair of large breasts.

@chickmae How did you meet your wife? (I love hear about peoples love stories) OK…I’m gonna cop-out on this one and just throw up a link to the story of how we met…enjoy lady!!!

@beingloopy Do you trim your nose and/or ear hair? Neither…I trim my….well…I said I wouldn’t lie!!!  Regardless, I’m very grateful that I have not had to deal with nose or ear hair yet. But when I do, believe me, I will embrace it, braid it, and throw some Bob Marley beads in it!

@ieatmykidzsnack ok stupid who would be at your fantasy dinner party? Pick 5 people past or present & why. Now fuck offffffffffffffffffffff John Bonham, greatest drummer ever and an amazing drinker; Bobcat Goldthwait, just cause; Casey, the kid who slammed that bully to the ground; Sinead O’Connor just to add some life to the party; Sarah Palin so we had something to throw our empty beer bottles at all night.

@onecheapmama As we get older, why do we actually choose vanilla ice cream when as kids we thought “how boring!”? Because it’s simple, quick, satisfying, sweet, pure and brings us back to the very beginnings of our childhood when the first taste of that succulent nectar from the gods of ice cream touched our tongues and made us say, “yes…YES! All will be good on this great spinning water planet called Earth.”

@toots_a_lot VanHalen or VanHagar? Neither. I know this will cause riots, but I just can’t stand either. Wasn’t my bag. I’m more of a Led Zeppelin, 60s, grunge, indie music kinda guy. Van Halen was kinda everything I didn’t want my music to be. Sorry!!!

@alynrosselini Out of all the tweets you've sent out, which one is your favorite and why? How in the holy hell can I pick one. I think my best so far was my first…and I have no freakin’ idea what that was.

@aprilsm4 Why the fuck am I so pissed off today? Probably for the same reason we’re all pissed off today!! Toilet paper just isn’t what is used to be. I mean, I can remember a time when it was wipe and BAM!! you’re done. Now…not so much. There’s residual. There’s “should I get 1-ply, double-ply” “should I get aloe or will that oil me up so I feel like a tired $2 hooker all day?”

It’s complicated. I get it!

So, that’s it. Those are my answer and I’m sticking to them. Thanks to all those who asked questions!



What's In The BOX?!!

A few weeks ago the talented and amazing animator JC Little (@LittleAnimation on Twitter), dropped a kick-ass animation based on this blog. You can see it here!

Yeah, I was blown away by not only her skill, but the fact she took the time to create such an amazing film.

But at the end, she did kind of leave us hanging. I mean, it was sweet. The kids and wifey gave me breakfast in bed and a gift, but damn it!!! I want to know what’s in the box??!!!

She must have been reading my mind because JC created a follow-up to the film. But she’s been dragging it out over the past week-and-a-half in her “Be Afraid” series, teasing this brother on her blog.

But today, she put us out of our misery and launched the answer to the burning question, “What’s in the Box?”

Yeah!! A snuggie!! Thanks JC….thanks for making me a star in my worst nightmare.

If you didn’t already know, I HATE the Snuggie. See!!

Well…now you know what’s in the box. As for me…I’m going to collapse in a quiet corner and cry myself to sleep now that I’ve seen my animated self sheathed in a pink nightmare of cock-blockness.

Now go check out JC’s blog and see what she’s saying about “What’s in the BOX?”!!

It's Fantasy Father's Day Time

So Sunday’s our big day dudes!! This is it…our time to shine. Our time to throw our chests out like we’re the hardest working hooker on the block.

It’s Father’s Day!!

For some reason I always get my hopes up for this holiday - like a kid before Christmas. I imagine it being an epic holiday and find myself getting more and more jazzed as the day approaches. Then…well, the reality of fatherhood slaps me in the face.

Here. Let me illustrate for you. Take a gander at my fantasy Father’s Day versus the real Father’s Day.

Fantasy Father’s Day

Wake up to a warm, naked wife with freshly brushed teeth kissing me while her hands wander about under the sheets.

Reality Father’s Day

Son with ass-breath standing inches from my face saying, “DADDY!!! Wake-up daddy! I’m hungry. Can I have breakfast pplllleeeassse!!!?”

Fantasy Father’s Day

Wake up from post-sex morning nap to find my wife handing me a warm cup of coffee and the Sunday Times. She says, “hey, I’m gonna take the kids to the grocery store, why don’t you go for a nice long run, take a shower, then I’ll give your feet and legs a good rub-down.”

Reality Father’s Day

Walk downstairs to a destroyed kitchen with cat puke on the floor. Step on one of my daughter’s Zhu Zhu Pets, find there’s no more cream in the refrigerator, and roll my eyes as I answer the boy’s same question six times in a row.

Fantasy Father’s Day

Walk downstairs after my foot-rub and my living room is filled with all the top dudes in my life, a keg, and golf on the big screen TV!

Reality Father’s Day

I don’t get a run in, the kids refuse to eat their breakfast and start breaking down when I click off their favorite TV channel.

Fantasy Father’s Day

Golf’s over and a party van rolls up in front to the house to pick up the dudes and me. Once inside we realize all the wives got baby-sitters and we’re all gonna rip Chi-Town up for the night!

Reality Father’s Day

The girl pee’s herself, the boy’s hamster has escaped, and the wife “really wants to take advantage of that sale at Kohl’s tonight.” I open the refrigerator to find only one beer and it’s a damn Milwaukee’s Best and we’re out of wine.

While my fantasy Father’s Day would be bad-ass…I admit, I’d take the reality Father’s Day any day because without it, I wouldn’t have earned the right to stick my chest out in pride that day.

I’m just kidding…Give me the Fantasy Father’s Day!!! It’s just one day I’m asking for!!

Happy Father’s Day dudes!!!

The Launch & Discussion of Why Is Daddy Crying – the film

Just a mere few days before the hallowed holiday of Father’s Day, my dear friend JC Little (AKA @LittleAnimation on Twitter) and I are pleased to launch the highly anticipated 3-minute animated short based on this blog. I hope you all enjoy it and happy Father’s Day world!!

As we launch it, JC Little and I have a quick discussion.

Me: So, I wish we could do this over a few bottles of wine with cameras rolling like a professional DVD extra interview. But, we’re stuck to a conversation via my blog.

I can’t even begin to thank you for creating such an amazing animated short inspired by my insane family. And we’re launching it today!!

So, let’s take a quick gander back in time and talk about what brought us together. I believe it was the hatred for the Snuggie that made our paths cross...

JC: Actually I was new on Twitter and I did an #FF on a Thursday. You caught me!

After that I found your anti-Snuggies blog post and we tried really hard to make #sayNOtoSnuggies trend. We almost succeeded too. Remember how you over-tweeted and got booted off Twitter? You left me holding the baby - me - a Twitter newbie! That was SO FUN. Met a lot of cool tweeps that night.

Me: It wasn't fun..it was frustrating!!! We were rocking the #sayNOtoSnuggies and then...I was gone. Shunned from Twitter.

So, I'll never forget when you DM'd me and said, "I wanna do an animation based on your blog."
I immediately said, "that's so awesome…but I can't pay you." Then you said you would do it pro-bono.

So I want to hear it from you....tell me about the making of this kick-ass film!!

JC: WHAT??? I never said I'd do it for FREE??? ARE YOU CRAZIE MAN!!!!???

I'm kidding of course! You can keep your first born. Hah. You've already made me laugh so much with your crazy blog, I consider it already bought and paid for. I can't resist a good story, and you inspired me. I decided it was a film that needed to be made.

Me: So tell me a couple good tidbits from your experience making this animated short? Like your brother screaming his head off for hours!

JC: My brother? Oh yeah, well I obviously needed to cast someone to do the voice of the crying daddy. I remembered how I used to make my brother scream when we were kids, heheh.

He actually never did any voice work before, but he did an amazing job when we went into the studio. He responded really well to direction too. The voice work came out so well, I had trouble deciding which takes to use - they were all so funny. And he's about to have his first baby, so now he's got a head start on the crying.

Me: I think you captured the look and attitudes of my family absolutely perfectly. My kids love it. The wife laughs every time, and her favorite part is that you made her about a foot taller than she really is!

JC:  Hey, it's a challenge to make stick figures look like people you never met!  It was great to have their feedback throughout the process, from script through storyboard and animation. Especially the kids.

Do you think your character looks like you?

Me: I think it does…except you did miss the incredibly huge ears I have, the gap in my front teeth, and the fact that I randomly break out into the robot. Other than that it was brilliant! The entire film is brilliant…from beginning to end.

I can’t thank you enough for sharing such a great experience with me. I can’t wait to see what people think!

JC: Me too! I hope it makes them laugh and touches them enough to want to share it with their dads. It's a great Father’s Day gift no? Thanks for the chance to talk about the 'making of' with you; I gotta go animate you doing the robot now ;-D

Me: Oh, I’d love to see that! Oh…and we should be sure and leave the proper cliff-hanger before signing off! There is an alternate ending to this animated short masterpiece. Stay tuned!!! My dear friend JC is going to bless us all with that in the coming week or two!

Enjoy the film!

Huge News!! & A Contest of All Contests

I have huge news!!! And no…the wife is not pregnant. It’s not possible anymore…but that’s a whole other blog post.

In honor of the upcoming Father’s Day on Monday, June 14^th, an amazingly awesome three-minute animation short created by animator JC Little (@littleanimation on Twitter) will be launched on this blog and on Little Animation's YouTube channel.

The best description of the animated short is the one crafted by the amazing JC Little of Little Animation:

“At the mercy of his ninja son, his aspiring-princess daughter and his apparently disinterested wife, Daddy seems to be on the verge of tears. But what actually makes him cry may surprise you. A heart-warming and humorous look at fatherhood, inspired by the blog www.WhyIsDaddyCrying.com."

Or, as she told me, “it’s my response to the question ‘why is daddy crying?’”

So now it’s your turn…

Contest Time!

With the help of the following kick-ass amazing Twitter friends and parent bloggers who will be our judges:

@NuckingFutsMomma

@IEatMyKidzSnack

@TessasDad

We are asking you the age old question, “Why Is Daddy Crying?!?”

Comment on this blog post with your best answer. Lay it out there. Don’t be shy. Hit us with your best shot.

What’s in it for you?

A hand-crafted, hand-picked, amazingly phenomenal care package created by JC Little of Little Animation and myself. And, I promise not to send any of my dirty underwear.

What’s in the “phenomenal” care package?

• Little Animation’s children’s animation 2 DVD’s “Kid Stories International” & “Little Earth Charter” found at www.littleanimation.com/shop
• Gift certificate to Toys R Us
• A “Planet Earth” baby onsie – super comfort, 100% cotton jersey knit from Little Animation’s www.cafepress.com/littleanimation shop.  
• Picture of me when I was 20 wearing no shirt and holding three Amber Jack I caught on a deep-sea fishing trip.
• An opportunity to exclusively babysit my kids every weekend for an entire year
• Dick’s Sporting Goods gift certificate
• Dot & Lil ( @DotandLil on Twitter) limited edition Spring & Summer 2010 bath set seen here:

Come on. Comment…answer the question…Deadline is end of day Tuesday, June 15! The winner will be announced Thursday, June 17!

Only rule is...Please try to keep the submissions as clean as possible!! Many thanks and so finally - let me have it - Why Is Daddy Crying???!!!!