I Answer 20 Questions About Myself

So, it’s been a while since I went to the amazing wives, dads, family, and friends that I enjoy following on Twitter to ask, “what do you want to know about me.”

In fact, I think it’s been over a year or so. Here’s some of the other times I’ve done it.

Yesterday I asked on Twitter “the first 20 questions asked I’ll answer truthfully” and then it rained questions.

So, without further adieu….here we go:

@flashyphotog asks:  If you were a drag queen, what would be your signature dance move?

Well first off I only do lawn dances. Butt!! (yes, I meant “butt”) if I were a drag queen how in the holy hell could I not do “The Butt” with touch of “Jessie’s Girl” and a sick rendition of “Single Ladies” sprinkled throughout!! Now throw me my damn leotards and step off!!

@jbenj219 Why do toasters have a setting on them that burns toast so bad that no one would ever use it? It’s simple. Toasters are the product of Al Qaeda. They’re not dumb. They know how much we enjoy toast - the crunchy, buttery, amazingly sexy feeling of toast so early in the morning. Jam, spread thickly across its porous surface only to meet the morning’s first cup of coffee in your hot-garbage morning breath mouth!! It’s ecstasy!!!

And Al Qaeda is here to fuck it all up with a burnt-ass toast setting cause they know our lazy asses will choose that to hurry all that awesomeness up!

@ellemenopee what do you sleep in? Great freakin’ question!! I used to enjoy the succulent feeling of fresh, static-free sheets against my manly-bits until I had KIDS! Now…I enjoy sleeping in the sexy, hott, old-school, crotch-blown-out running shorts I retired years ago. Seriously…I know you’re thinking about leaving your husband for me…you should really refrain.

@ladyquestion and @dakotapam why is daddy crying : Ok, well, the best answer to that can only be found thanks to the amazing @littleanimation who answered the question “Why Is Daddy Crying” with THIS and THIS.

@artisticdork why did you think you’d only get one? It’s true…I did tweet I was scared that I’d only get one response to my question of “ask me anything” to my twitter kids. And well…it all stems back to the time I was 6 years old and my brother and I were at McDonald’s for ice cream and they made one ice cream cone…..and then the machine broke. And…guess who got the cone!?! Yeah….my brother. Ever since then the glass in my life has been half empty.

@dadlogicblog do you lick 9-volt batteries? Wait! That’s not normal?! Oooohhhh…so that’s why my doctors and dentists have been looking at my body and then saying, “ummm…we’re gonna need you to just sit tight for juuuuust a bit, mmmkay? Thanks!!” and then running out of the room only to enter two minutes later with colleagues from other hospitals and medical magazines uttering words like, “I know, I’ve never seen some sick 9-volt addictive battery shit like that either!!”

@thesuniverse Salty snacks or sweet? Show your work in your answer. OK…this question has me both wanting some shelled peanuts and also the phone number to the nearest shrink in your immediate area that makes. Also, ummm…when they diagnose you…please share the drugs!!

@willgoldenstein why is blue? This…has…to be..the most…profound…question…EVER!!! Seriously. Every part of this sentence is just balls-on accurate. Why is blue? I’ll tell you why is blue….because the rapture is pissed from all the press it’s gotten and has decided to merge with the Mayan’s 2012 death-trap claim. Now the entire freakin’ sub-death-world is coming for our asses sometime next year. When? Who the hell knows? But it’s coming. So, why is blue? Better question…Why is a Big Death Dildo Emerging From Sky In A Big “I Must Crush You” Russian Voice Kill Everyone Fashion!!?!

@nordicwonder how would your perfect Father's day go? Sex, beer, running, beer, sex, sex, sex, beer, sleep, sex, beer, massage.

@_green_eyes_ ok..do you have any twitter crushes? Absolutely. Have you not been watching my incredible battle with @ieatmykizsnack over the past year? I don’t think I’ve fantasized about anyone more than her….just check out some of our battles here and judge for yourself!

@overmom will there be a for reals rapture? Please see my above answer to @willgoldenstein

@chickensfeed You are vacuuming, the floor is littered with barbie shoes and tiny lego pieces. What do you do? I call the “annoying co-worker” at work, tell her “the boss really needs you to test your skills at my house before she feels she can give you an accurate job skills assessment!!” and then prop-up a lawn chair next to a cooler of beer and watch the magic happen.

@dadgineer Why, if stranded on a deserted Island, would you bring a collection of Barbara Streisand photos? Ummm…I’m pretty sure, knowing my luck, that in the act of me becoming stranded on an island the sexy Barbara Streisand photos I had with me would get the face burned off them, leaving them to look like Donald Trump with Streisand’s body. And, therefore, I  would spend the rest of my life crying and masturbating to a picture of Donald Trump sporting a pair of large breasts.

@chickmae How did you meet your wife? (I love hear about peoples love stories) OK…I’m gonna cop-out on this one and just throw up a link to the story of how we met…enjoy lady!!!

@beingloopy Do you trim your nose and/or ear hair? Neither…I trim my….well…I said I wouldn’t lie!!!  Regardless, I’m very grateful that I have not had to deal with nose or ear hair yet. But when I do, believe me, I will embrace it, braid it, and throw some Bob Marley beads in it!

@ieatmykidzsnack ok stupid who would be at your fantasy dinner party? Pick 5 people past or present & why. Now fuck offffffffffffffffffffff John Bonham, greatest drummer ever and an amazing drinker; Bobcat Goldthwait, just cause; Casey, the kid who slammed that bully to the ground; Sinead O’Connor just to add some life to the party; Sarah Palin so we had something to throw our empty beer bottles at all night.

@onecheapmama As we get older, why do we actually choose vanilla ice cream when as kids we thought “how boring!”? Because it’s simple, quick, satisfying, sweet, pure and brings us back to the very beginnings of our childhood when the first taste of that succulent nectar from the gods of ice cream touched our tongues and made us say, “yes…YES! All will be good on this great spinning water planet called Earth.”

@toots_a_lot VanHalen or VanHagar? Neither. I know this will cause riots, but I just can’t stand either. Wasn’t my bag. I’m more of a Led Zeppelin, 60s, grunge, indie music kinda guy. Van Halen was kinda everything I didn’t want my music to be. Sorry!!!

@alynrosselini Out of all the tweets you've sent out, which one is your favorite and why? How in the holy hell can I pick one. I think my best so far was my first…and I have no freakin’ idea what that was.

@aprilsm4 Why the fuck am I so pissed off today? Probably for the same reason we’re all pissed off today!! Toilet paper just isn’t what is used to be. I mean, I can remember a time when it was wipe and BAM!! you’re done. Now…not so much. There’s residual. There’s “should I get 1-ply, double-ply” “should I get aloe or will that oil me up so I feel like a tired $2 hooker all day?”

It’s complicated. I get it!

So, that’s it. Those are my answer and I’m sticking to them. Thanks to all those who asked questions!



Doomsday? Tomorrow's Not Convenient For Me

So apparently tomorrow as each time zone reaches 6 p.m. the end of the world as we know it will come crashing down.

I was driving in my car when I first heard about this impending doom. I was listening to NPR when the story came on.

This guy they interviewed was 110% confident that as each time zone reached 6 p.m. it would start to experience horrific earth quakes which would soon be followed by the skies filling with the “believers” as they ascended into the heavens while the rest of us douches were left to live “hell on earth.”

When the story ended I was still driving. A drop of sweat trickled down my forehead to my eyebrow before falling from my face and landing on my crotch making it look like I had a pee stain on my pants.

My heart was racing ever so slightly like when you’re taking a shower and the wife walks in and for a split second you believe it’s because she’s going to hop in there with you.

And a tiny bit of fear crawled down my spine the same way it did the first time I overheard my parents having sex.

Logically I knew this all couldn’t be true.

Was there really some elaborate code weaved throughout the words of the Bible telling people that on May 21, 2011 the earth was gonna crack like an egg, morph into hell and launch the good souls into the air like bottle rockets?

And why 6 p.m.? Because they wanted to piss-off the people left behind by interrupting their dinners, drinking, and trash TV with lava flows and death?

And what about people that are flying in airplanes? Or the space shuttle docked at the space station right now? Did they manage to find some cosmic loophole? Does that mean they just get a free pass?

And the logistics of all this is really driving me bat-shit.

What if you’re a good soul but happen to be in your basement? Do you get pulled through two floors of wood, beams, roof, tile and all the stuff in your house on your journey to heaven?

Or does your soul just leave your body and rise leaving your flesh and bones to simply collapse to the ground?

Cause that would be freaky as hell if you happen to be standing around a whole group of people who are good souls.

And what if you’re masturbating and your soul rises from your body leaving your corpse naked, vulnerable, and unsatisfied only to be found by your wife….or mom?

What if “become a believer and one with the lord” was on your Bucket List but you just haven’t gotten to it yet? Do I get a free pass?

I guess only time will tell.

I’m sure I’ll be a little on edge that afternoon like I was on New Year’s Eve 1999.

But logic has me confident it’ll be just another day of chasing the nippers, checking out the wife’s attributes, quoting the Honey Badger video, and showing the neighbors my favorite lawn dances like “the sprinkler” and “the shopping cart.”

I guess the only way I’m ever going to buy-in to the doomsday thing and really start to panic is if an announcement is made that Dick Cheney would like to address the world at 6:30 p.m. on the 21^st.

Then I’ll know I’m fucked.



Top 10 Things I Freakishly Enjoy

Yesterday I pulled up to the gas station to piss away even more money to “the man.” I did my usual dumping of my car garbage, then grabbed the squeegee and started cleaning my windows.

Completely soaked in 22-day-old non-soapy water, my windows were ready to be squeegeed off. As I slowly pulled that first line of water off I felt the day’s tenseness go away. The second line I felt even more relaxed. By the time the entire windshield was done I felt like a badass and the entire day’s insanity slip away!

OK, not that good, but damn it was a weird spooky kind of relief.

I got back in the car completely freaked out by myself and thought, “that’s just one of those uncommon satisfying things in life that you just kinda secretly enjoy.”

So what are 10 other weird and spooky things that satisfy which I probably shouldn’t reveal?

1) Wiping down the bathroom sink so it’s absolutely spotless. Little dinky hairs, puddles of water, toothpaste globs, boogers…you name it. They collect in the most bizarre places of the sink. Taking my wet hand and cleaning it down is therapeutic in a freaky way.

2) Armor Alling my car dashboard. Seriously…when it’s done and the smell is in the car…I just want to put Led Zeppelin Physical Graffitti in the CD player, go for a ride with the windows down and blare the hell out of the radio.

3) Lawn dances. I won’t lie…I love them. Give me a wedding, eight beers, a shot of Jager, a good song and a dance floor and I’m in heaven. I’ll be doing the “lawn mower” and “weed eater” all night.

4) Speaking of weed-eating…creating perfectly trimmed grass along sidewalks and boarders makes me literally need to take a cold shower afterwards. It’s lawn maintenance porn.

5) Crossing the finish line of a half-marathon race. It’s indescribable. You’re happy, elated, sick, exhausted, motivated, and humbled all at once.

6) Turning my fan to the number 3 setting and sliding my dumb-ass into bed.

7) After 12 minutes of digging, cutting, digging deeper, and almost giving up, finally pulling that damn splinter from your body.

8) Holy shit do I love corn on the cob. The greatest thing ever invented. But damn those stringy annoying thingies that jam ever so strategically in-between your teeth! So when a toothpick slides one of those out from in-between my fucked-up teeth it’s so amazing!

9) Sliding a key along the spine of a new music CD to cut the cellophane that wraps it. Pulling it off, opening the case and the smell that tickles your nose of the freshly printed CD jacket and all the awesomeness it holds.

10) Clipping that annoying toenail. You know…the one that sticks out ever-so-slightly so that it rubs against the toe next to it and makes you want to rip someone’s head off?! Yeah…smoothing that bad-boy out is so freakin’ awesome!

That’s it for today’s freak-show. That’s just a few of my weirdness that is o-so-satisfying in a “daddy, you’re weird!!!” kinda way.

What’s yours?!!! Leave a comment.