Passing Notes With The Boy

Recently I was making the boy’s lunch when I thought about the picture I’d drawn with him which now lives on the back of his bedroom door.

He’d tossed a piece of paper in front of me while saying “daddy, just draw whatever and I’ll draw it next!”

So, I drew. And this is what I came up with.

From that point on, “puffy leaf floaty guy” became a staple in the house.

I’d draw him on their arms cause “I want a tattoo like yours daddy.”

I’d draw him on pieces of paper and randomly leave leaf the puffy dude somewhere for the kids to find.

Then, it hit me one fine coffee-aroma-filled morning.

“Golly gee gosh darn-it! I should totally draw the boy a picture for his lunch box!”

So, I did.

And, he did something completely unexpected…the little bastard wrote back.

So, like a tiny puppy given his treat for the first time I started wagging my tail obliviously knocking things off tables and the next morning, I did it again!

And he wrote back!

The third time I drew the cat from this awesome animated shorts called “Simon’s Cat” which my kids love.

And he wrote back!

Then, the boy schooled the hell out of me.

Yesterday I sketched out this quick little motivating message as a small pat on the boy’s back in the middle of his day.

And what does he do? He out-draws me with his version of himself "rocking."

It’s my first experience being one-upped by the boy. He “out-creativelyed” me. (Yeah, I just made that word up.)

And I guess I’m cool with it, but it kinda stings a little.

I’m the creative, out-of-the-box, shock-value funny one in the family damn it!!

But, then I realize what an awesome thing a sense of humor is in life. And, if he’s going to have a sense of humor I would want it to be unique and creative.

So, bring it on my man. I’m ready to up-my-game in the note passing arena!

Let’s do this!



My Son the Ninja Wedgie Master

The wedgie….it’s played so many rolls in my life over the years.

Most recently my son is obsessed with giving the daughter a wedgie when he rough-houses with her. It’s origins are beyond me. When I was in first grade I can promise you giving someone a wedgie was not even on my radar. I think I was more worried about whether I had the most bad-ass lunch box in the cafeteria or not, and if I would get called on to read allowed in class that day.

But I walk in the room yesterday and find my son standing on the couch while holding the back of my daughter’s pants which is now halfway up her ass – and they’re BOTH laughing like hell.

Earlier in the week I’m playing Mario Kart with the little bastard and I’m getting so entranced by the world of Wii, that I didn’t even notice the boy had put his remote down and snuck behind me. Seconds later I’m wearing half my boxer-briefs up my ass.

Instead of making him use his toothbrush to clean my skibbies, I sit him down and explain how he could really hurt someone by hoisting their entire body in the air by tiny shreds of cloth slicing through their poop-shooter. He laughed during my entire speech.

When I was in middle school there was a ritual that the eighth graders would go after the sixth and seventh graders on the soccer team and give them wedgies in the locker room or out on the field. I ran like a little bitch that day….through woods, jumping benches, even down to the parking lot where parents were waiting to pick up the very kids that eventually showed me that in fact your tighty-whities can stretch from your ass to the top of your head.

But even then – I was 11 years old – not 7!!

Wedgies can be alluring in so many ways. Thongs….love em. Panty lines revealing a hidden wedgie problem underneath…perfect. Bathing suit creeping up the wrong way….I’m looking. Whale tail revealing itself…I’m thanking the lord. My son hanging his sister by her underwear….not cool my man, not freakin’ cool.

But then I over-think it like I do EVERYTHING, and I’m all: “holy shit – is my kid gonna be a bully?’

 I mean, I wasn’t a bully growing up. I was too focused on trying to make everyone like me. I was the class-clown, usually at my own expense. So where is he learning this crap and who’s ass do I have to kick?

But then I watch him more closely with other kids, at his school, in his class, around the neighborhood….and he’s just like me. He throws himself to the ground constantly getting kids to laugh at him. He makes farting noises with his tongue cause the kids laugh. And he shows his teachers pictures of me naked because they’ll give him an A on tests if he promises to just STOP.

He’s a good dude, he’s just learned that lifting his sister up by her Hello Kitty panties makes her laugh. And now he knows, when he does it to daddy, you get threatened with having a Wii control shoved up your nose.