It's Fantasy Father's Day Time

So Sunday’s our big day dudes!! This is it…our time to shine. Our time to throw our chests out like we’re the hardest working hooker on the block.

It’s Father’s Day!!

For some reason I always get my hopes up for this holiday - like a kid before Christmas. I imagine it being an epic holiday and find myself getting more and more jazzed as the day approaches. Then…well, the reality of fatherhood slaps me in the face.

Here. Let me illustrate for you. Take a gander at my fantasy Father’s Day versus the real Father’s Day.

Fantasy Father’s Day

Wake up to a warm, naked wife with freshly brushed teeth kissing me while her hands wander about under the sheets.

Reality Father’s Day

Son with ass-breath standing inches from my face saying, “DADDY!!! Wake-up daddy! I’m hungry. Can I have breakfast pplllleeeassse!!!?”

Fantasy Father’s Day

Wake up from post-sex morning nap to find my wife handing me a warm cup of coffee and the Sunday Times. She says, “hey, I’m gonna take the kids to the grocery store, why don’t you go for a nice long run, take a shower, then I’ll give your feet and legs a good rub-down.”

Reality Father’s Day

Walk downstairs to a destroyed kitchen with cat puke on the floor. Step on one of my daughter’s Zhu Zhu Pets, find there’s no more cream in the refrigerator, and roll my eyes as I answer the boy’s same question six times in a row.

Fantasy Father’s Day

Walk downstairs after my foot-rub and my living room is filled with all the top dudes in my life, a keg, and golf on the big screen TV!

Reality Father’s Day

I don’t get a run in, the kids refuse to eat their breakfast and start breaking down when I click off their favorite TV channel.

Fantasy Father’s Day

Golf’s over and a party van rolls up in front to the house to pick up the dudes and me. Once inside we realize all the wives got baby-sitters and we’re all gonna rip Chi-Town up for the night!

Reality Father’s Day

The girl pee’s herself, the boy’s hamster has escaped, and the wife “really wants to take advantage of that sale at Kohl’s tonight.” I open the refrigerator to find only one beer and it’s a damn Milwaukee’s Best and we’re out of wine.

While my fantasy Father’s Day would be bad-ass…I admit, I’d take the reality Father’s Day any day because without it, I wouldn’t have earned the right to stick my chest out in pride that day.

I’m just kidding…Give me the Fantasy Father’s Day!!! It’s just one day I’m asking for!!

Happy Father’s Day dudes!!!

She's a Winner!!!

We have a winner to my contest launched last week which asked readers to answer the question “why is daddy crying?” This contest was motivated by the new 3-minute animated short based on this blog, created by JC Little with Little Animation. If you haven’t seen it – check it out here.

Our world class judges from Twitter: @IEatMyKidzSnack, @Tessasdad, and @nuckingfutsmama worked hard to pick our winner, pouring over 30 submissions from around the globe.

And the winner is!!!! Cortney Allen, or (@Ulesss on Twitter.)

Her winning response:

“Daddy isn't crying because he is frustrated. Or overworked. Or undersexed. Not because he has to wipe noses and wipe asses. Not because he got kicked in the nuts accidentally by a tantrum throwing kid. Not because the messes and arguments never end, and the quiet time is all too little. He isn't crying about the amount of sleep he gets, or doesn't get. And he is definitely not crying because he just can't get the last word in "I fantasize" battles, no matter how hard he tries.

He IS crying because the little joys of being a Dad sometimes overwhelm the manly exterior, and a sincere "you're the best, Daddy" is too much to take. He's crying at the wealth of pride he feels when one of the little fuckers learns a life lesson, gets an awesome grade, or crosses the finish line. He's crying because he and the toddler have the same dancing skills, or hold a pencil the same way, or have the same smile. He's crying because of the indescribable joy of having kids.

At least that's why the Daddy in our house is crying. And that's precisely the reason Daddy SHOULD be crying.”

And now…let’s get to know Ms. Allen with a quick Q&A!

In 140 characters or less, describe yourself to us!

I am first and foremost, a BIG nerd. A lover of music, art, debate and food. Especially food. My kids are my world, and I love meeting people.

Have you or have you not ever considered being a glove model, and why?

As a surgical tech., I modeled many medical gloves. But unless there is a short and stubby finger glove niche, I'm out of luck.

So why the Twitter name @Uless

Haha, great question. Let us rewind to December of 1983. My parents were so overjoyed at the birth of their baby girl, that they didn't notice they spelled my name Cortney, not Courtney, on the birth certificate form. Well, either that or they were just being mean. At my last job, there was a Courtney working there already. It became confusing in the OR one day, so one of the anesthesiologists decided that because I had no U in my name, he would refer to me as "uless". It kind of stuck. 

Yesterday when I was all alone I had a hankering for some potato chips. So, I busted out a small bag of potato skins and freakin’ plowed through them. They were sooo freakin’ good. Especially with the 24 oz beer I enjoyed with it. Oh…and of course, I had no pants on.

Not sure how to respond to the potato skin story, other than I had a very similar experience with a bag of Oreos at 2 am last Friday night. 

When your first born finished entering the world, what was your first thought/words?

Honestly? I would love to say that my first thought was how much I instantly fell in love with my baby, or something else sentimental. That would be a close second. I think my first real thought was, holy crap, that was way harder than I thought it would be. Someone get me some drugs!

Name one thing you’d shove up BP’s leaky oil pipe to shut it the hell down?

I knew the answer to this instantly. If we could shove Glenn Beck in the leaky oil pipe, we could not only rid the Gulf of the oil pollution, but the world of a lot of noise pollution as well!

And what does this young rock star win? She wins a hand-crafted, hand-picked, amazingly phenomenal care package created by JC Little of Little Animation and myself. And, I promise to send some of my dirty underwear.

What’s in the “phenomenal” care package?

• Little Animation’s children’s animation 2 DVD’s “Kid Stories International” & “Little Earth Charter” found at www.littleanimation.com/shop
• Gift certificate to Toys R Us
• A “Planet Earth” baby onsie – super comfort, 100% cotton jersey knit from Little Animation’s www.cafepress.com/littleanimation shop.  
• Picture of me when I was 20 wearing no shirt and holding three Amber Jack I caught on a deep-sea fishing trip.
• An opportunity to exclusively babysit my kids every weekend for an entire year
• Dick’s Sporting Goods gift certificate
• Dot & Lil ( @DotandLil on Twitter) limited edition Spring & Summer 2010 bath set seen here:



Giving In to the Silly Bandz

Silly Bandz. Seriously….they’re killing me.

I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago when she mentioned these damn things. I was all, “what? Silly What? You’re stupid…you just live in a high-class hoitie toitie area where stupid trendy crap like that rules all.”

Two weeks later my kids come home from school, each wearing little rubber band looking things around their wrists.

My immediate reaction was, “Honey!!!! Did you have the kids listening to Madonna again!!”

But then they took them off and I saw they weren’t the beloved jelly bracelets of my childhood, instead they were in the shapes of cars, robots, and dinosaurs.

I’ll admit it, I fought the kids wearing those them initially. I was all, “I don’t understand why you kids wear those things!! They don’t do anything but just look silly on your arm!!”

Then the boy chimed in, “daddy…they are called ‘silly bandz.’”

Then, like the reflection of one’s life a mere seconds before it’s taken from them, I remembered the Madonna jellies, the Converse Chucks, Jams, Ocean Pacific shirts, Garfield lunch boxes, Inspector Gadget yogurts, and listening to the Beastie Boys full notch through a boom box resting cool-like on my shoulder as I walked down the street.

I can drop a cool $5 on worthless pieces of crap “Bandz” that help create memories for my kids as they blunder their way through childhood. And I look forward to the day when I happen to overhear them at the age of 30 talking with friends having the same conversations we’re having now….

“Yeah…and what about the socks with the different colors stripes at the top, and the Izod shirts, Bon Jovi, and when Guns-N-Roses re-did Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door.”

Just simple mile markers along the journey to adulthood….



The Launch & Discussion of Why Is Daddy Crying – the film

Just a mere few days before the hallowed holiday of Father’s Day, my dear friend JC Little (AKA @LittleAnimation on Twitter) and I are pleased to launch the highly anticipated 3-minute animated short based on this blog. I hope you all enjoy it and happy Father’s Day world!!

As we launch it, JC Little and I have a quick discussion.

Me: So, I wish we could do this over a few bottles of wine with cameras rolling like a professional DVD extra interview. But, we’re stuck to a conversation via my blog.

I can’t even begin to thank you for creating such an amazing animated short inspired by my insane family. And we’re launching it today!!

So, let’s take a quick gander back in time and talk about what brought us together. I believe it was the hatred for the Snuggie that made our paths cross...

JC: Actually I was new on Twitter and I did an #FF on a Thursday. You caught me!

After that I found your anti-Snuggies blog post and we tried really hard to make #sayNOtoSnuggies trend. We almost succeeded too. Remember how you over-tweeted and got booted off Twitter? You left me holding the baby - me - a Twitter newbie! That was SO FUN. Met a lot of cool tweeps that night.

Me: It wasn't fun..it was frustrating!!! We were rocking the #sayNOtoSnuggies and then...I was gone. Shunned from Twitter.

So, I'll never forget when you DM'd me and said, "I wanna do an animation based on your blog."
I immediately said, "that's so awesome…but I can't pay you." Then you said you would do it pro-bono.

So I want to hear it from you....tell me about the making of this kick-ass film!!

JC: WHAT??? I never said I'd do it for FREE??? ARE YOU CRAZIE MAN!!!!???

I'm kidding of course! You can keep your first born. Hah. You've already made me laugh so much with your crazy blog, I consider it already bought and paid for. I can't resist a good story, and you inspired me. I decided it was a film that needed to be made.

Me: So tell me a couple good tidbits from your experience making this animated short? Like your brother screaming his head off for hours!

JC: My brother? Oh yeah, well I obviously needed to cast someone to do the voice of the crying daddy. I remembered how I used to make my brother scream when we were kids, heheh.

He actually never did any voice work before, but he did an amazing job when we went into the studio. He responded really well to direction too. The voice work came out so well, I had trouble deciding which takes to use - they were all so funny. And he's about to have his first baby, so now he's got a head start on the crying.

Me: I think you captured the look and attitudes of my family absolutely perfectly. My kids love it. The wife laughs every time, and her favorite part is that you made her about a foot taller than she really is!

JC:  Hey, it's a challenge to make stick figures look like people you never met!  It was great to have their feedback throughout the process, from script through storyboard and animation. Especially the kids.

Do you think your character looks like you?

Me: I think it does…except you did miss the incredibly huge ears I have, the gap in my front teeth, and the fact that I randomly break out into the robot. Other than that it was brilliant! The entire film is brilliant…from beginning to end.

I can’t thank you enough for sharing such a great experience with me. I can’t wait to see what people think!

JC: Me too! I hope it makes them laugh and touches them enough to want to share it with their dads. It's a great Father’s Day gift no? Thanks for the chance to talk about the 'making of' with you; I gotta go animate you doing the robot now ;-D

Me: Oh, I’d love to see that! Oh…and we should be sure and leave the proper cliff-hanger before signing off! There is an alternate ending to this animated short masterpiece. Stay tuned!!! My dear friend JC is going to bless us all with that in the coming week or two!

Enjoy the film!